The Pilgrimage



It turns out that I did have something else to say. I finished reading the Pilgrimage today. It took me a lot longer than I expected. I read the Alchemist in one night. Yet it's taken me a couple months to finish this one. Partly because I've only been reading one chapter at a time. It's been more of a spiritual journey than reading, really. Each chapter seemed to be a narrative for what I was going through at that given moment. Partly because the journey that I have undertaken parallels that of the pilgrimage in the book.

It's about fighting the good fight. Doing with your life what you believe you are meant to do. And doing it with love and grace. And not giving up because of weakness, or failures, or whatever makes us want to stop. But it's also about trying to be Christian and worldly at the same time. I've always felt out of place in church, but always close to God. And I never understood how to achieve my dreams while living in that spirituality. Many times I felt like a hypocrite for wanting success. For competing. For not living the traditional Christian path.

And I'm not alone. I see people sabotage themselves all the time. They get close to doing something great and they cut themselves down. I know I've done it time and time again. I've even been doing it the last couple days. Which made the realization even more powerful.

"Few can accept the burden of their own victory: most give up their dreams when they see that they can be realized. They refuse to fight the good fight because they do not know what to do with their own happiness; they are imprisoned by the things of the world. Just as I have been, who wanted to find my sword without knowing what to do with it."

"I would realize my dreams if I first discovered what I wanted to do with them."

I can see now, how God wants us to live up to our potential. He wants us to succeed. And in fact the world is designed to help us every step of the way. If only you pay attention, and are honest with yourself (not seeing signs where you want them to be - but where they are unmistakable) and unrelenting. And most of all, not seeking rewards for rewards sake. But because they help you along the road to "fight the good fight."

The last chapter - is stained with tears over that last realization. The tears are both Paulo Coelho's and mine. I don't feel shame any longer for wanting to succeed. I am worthy because God has blessed me with my abilities and all the lessons I've learned to get to where I am. I am worthy of my gifts because I know what to do with them. I am worthy of success because it will allow me to do more in God's name. I am worthy... because I know my worth.

We were not meant to live for paychecks and commuting and all the things that burden our hearts and souls. We were meant to dream, and live, and grow, and honor the spirit from which we came. And to share that with everyone around us. Life isn't easy - because its not meant to be. Life is meant to be miraculous. And you can't have that without being challenged. You can't truly appreciate anything if its not earned.

"The mountains exist only as a challenge to mankind - and mankind exists only to accept the honor of that challenge."

Anyways, That is all.

--Will

Breaking the Bulwarks and Radio Silence

I've been calling in a lot of favors lately. Stuff that people have promised me throughout the years, but for some reason or another I was reluctant to take them up on their offers. I think part of me was afraid I'd be imposing, even though I'd done something to incept said barter. But I've realized that's almost insulting. I've always given and been afraid to take in return. Not out of arrogance... I don't really know what it was.

But now I've been on the other end of that. I have mentors now, and I can see how important it is to take compliments and gratitude as it is to give them. So every time someone has offered to buy me a beer, or buy me dinner, or make a connection for me, or help me with this or that and I've balked at accepting - I was disrupting a very important aspect of the whole purpose of helping others. So I've called in about a half-dozen favors so far. And will prolly call in many more. It feels good. In fact, in some cases, it's led to opportunities to help each other even more.

I imagine some time in the next few months I'll understand why my perception was so skewed about people helping people. Till then I'm enjoying the fruits of many years of helping other people.

Anyways.

I've received several items of great news in the last couple days. I'm overwhelmed with excitement about it. But unfortunately I can't talk about anything just yet. In fact, I'm going to be laying low for about a week - maybe more. So no new posts. But I promise, BIG NEWS. lol.

Keep smiling ya'll!

--Will

Photography

I'm still getting compliments on my photos from a few weeks ago. I'm a little overwhelmed actually. I was just doing it because I could, lol. I really appreciate all the feedback ya'll. Anyways, here's another series of photos. Again, just random stuff I see during the day. The last pic is of the old Ralf's building. I realized after I left, that I should have done it in color to get the pink bricks laying all over the ground. The rubbles gone by now though.




View the full album.

--Will

Closure

I worked at the cafe yesterday. Misty had a dentist appointment and they were going to be majorly short-staffed. So I offered to help out. I'm really glad I did. It really cemented how much I've grown. I feel so confident in myself now. Not arrogant, just self-assured. I find myself shooting for the stars again. Only now with a real basis in reality.

Moving ON

I'm working on some promotional materials. I finished my bizcards tonight. I'm going to Kinkos to get them printed tomorrow afternoon. I'll also print those on the back of the card stock that I do the caricatures on... after I finish this batch.



I'm also working on a couple flyers to hand out around town. One with explanations and samples for doing parties and corporate events. And a second flyer for a one-day Comic Book art seminar I'm putting together for Mid to late February. I'm gonna try and get 10 - 20 people in. I figure $50 bucks for 4 hours - can't beat it. I've never gotten my stuff together in time to do one during the prime time at Texas Tech. So I'm excited to see the results.

Lastly, I've been working with Prizma Art Stix for a few months now. They say it's the kind I would have to learn for working out at Sea World. It's also the kind I've been using for the caricatures at the Children's Hospital. Since they're easier to carry around, and there's no ionized paint getting in the air. But everytime I've tried them, the drawings have come out looking like ass (one man's ass is another man's art though, right?). Turns out I wasn't drawing on a soft enough surface. I bought some thin Foam at Michaels last night (thanks to Brandon's keen eye for spotting it). And whipped out a quick caricature when I came home. Not only did it make the colors look cleaner and more elegant - it even made my freaking pencil lines look immaculate (I'm sure everyone is enthralled by my trials and tribulations of learning to color with crayons).

Anyways... here's the pic.



By the way.

And this is WAY off the subject... Did anyone know that Little Panda has opened their own Buffet? It's fantastic. They've even got baked Salmon and stuffed mushrooms and a sushi bar. And it's a TON cheaper than any place in town. Plus they have this gorgeous (yet horribly gaudy) Waterfall / MiniatureCastle / ChristmasTree / FakeBonzai tree theme. Anyways. Just thought I'd mention it. I've really dug the Little Panda ever since they first opened doing delivery/take out stuff. And they've really kicked ass with this place. Check it out. It's on 50th, across from DonPablos and Grandies. In the SavOn office supply shopping center.

--Will

Caricatures - Joe's Crab Shack

Did caricatures again tonight at Joe's. Was a lot of fun, yet again. I'm hitting the mark with likenesses almost 90% of the time now. And I'm even starting to ease into the realm of exaggeration a lot more often. Tonight was much slower than last night, but I still managed to make $100 bucks. And I also got an offer to do some caricatures for a local soccer team. Next week, I should have flyers to hand out about parties and whatever else I need to promote.



Anyways, so that's that. Monday I'm going to start hustling to get more gigs lined up. I feel much more confident about everything now. And I'm really excited about this new outlet. I've been hauling tents and supply caddies, and that bigass airbrush compressor around for a couple years now. It's nice to be able to throw on a shirt, my gear bag and a smile and have NO setup. I just walk in and start schmoozing.

I still have to work on my line though. Someone mentioned that I was using the wrong words. That I shouldn't mention that they're free at all. Just say I work for tips. Everytime I attempt it though I get "leave me alone I'm eating" looks from everyone at the table. Free perks them up. Like they don't even care what it is. And after a minute they read my buttons and see cash on the drawing board and realize that other people tip me. But so far 1 in 4 caricatures have been free. I mean, I'm not mad when it happens. I figure it evens out - some people give me WAY more - so it balances out - and I need to keep the same attitude whether I get paid or not. Otherwise I'll stink up the vibe of the whole thing. But I know there's something I can do to streamline my pitch. What do you guys think? Any suggestions?

Here's the line I've been using:

"I'm a caricature artist - I draw cartoons of people - it only takes a minute - would you like to get one done" Then I read the faces, wait a beat, then... "They're free." lol

I also try to do tables that are close together, so I can get one group laughing so the other is interested in what's going on. And if they see them passing money then all the better. I've not pushed that enough, but I will. I got one table laughing so loud tonight that it got me 3 other customers. Anyways, give me feedback ya'll.

--Will

Caricatures - Joe's Crab Shack - Week One

I did Joes tonight. It was a blast. I finally started getting real nervous as I was getting all my gear together. Then the panic attacks started. Like, "What if I don't make ANY money?" "What if it's all a bust?" "What if I can't draw?" (you'd be surprised how many times I freak out that I've forgotten how to draw - only to realize after a couple sketches how neurotic I was for freaking out).



Then I go in and start right to work. Go up to the first table and start making conversation. Couple from Roswell, in town, on their way to fly to Hawaii tomorrow to get married. We talk, and I draw. It finally comes back to me that doing caricatures is about entertaining not drawing. So I'm not nearly as self-conscious about the drawing part anymore. The couple loves the drawing, and I get 10 bucks.

I slowly start to get into it throughout the night. I'm not used to drawing like this. Standing up - pen and ink - quick cartoon sketches - while talking. It's all totally new to me. Kind of fun also. After about the 10th sketch I finally start to calm down. Instead of wide arching strokes with the pen, I'm actually sketching. Getting a much cleaner, fun response with the art. Drawing funny looking old men really helps. I don't think anyone appreciates gristle and curmudgeon more than caricature artists.

In the end, I made $120 from 6 - 10. I think with some practice and fine-tuning I can easily get that to $150 plus. The General manager seemed to be pleased with my work. At first I thought he was skeptical, and even a little reluctant. But by the time I left he seemed downright giddy about having me there. Same thing with the waitstaff. I'll be back tomorrow. And next week. Monday I will start looking for additional venues. I'm thinking about a couple bars in the evenings after Joes slow down - say from 10pm - 2am. And I've got Sun - Thur to book up if I can find good accommodations with decent traffic.

I just want to thank Felix for making those buttons for me. They look really great. I think it made a big difference. And Also I want to thank Wes at Toonzink for letting me use his airbrush setup for my T-shirt. The whole package felt very professional. It came together better than I'd hoped. And I think its an even better set up than what I was working towards. I'm also glad I've spent the last 4 months at a job where I had to stand 8 hours a day, lol. Cause my feet would be freaking killing me right now if it weren't for that.

--Will

GOOD THINGS - STAGE TWO: Fruitful Endeavors

I'm doing caricatures tomorrow and Saturday at Joe's Crab Shack. I'm excited and not quite as nervous as I thought I'd be. I don't know what to expect. I've been pounding the pavement trying to help my various ideas pan out. About 15 different venues. But this is the one that came about naturally. Meaning, this is the one the universe has let develop. It's just not the way I'd hoped.

Instead of setting up in a corner, with displays and a little table top and having customers come to me (and charging a set price). I'll be going around to each customer and asking if they want a sketch. And I can only work off tips. Which isn't as bad as it sounds. It's forced me to change the format. Instead of airbrush and display and big drawings. I'm doing little B/W marker sketches that take about 2 minutes to do.

So like I said... not what I expected. Just lets me know I'm not the one running the show here. Just following the lead. But that's all you can do really, right? Put yourself out there, and work with what you get. On this road, you take the turns that you are given, and you let that shape the path you're on.

It turns out though, this may open up a whole other market for me that I'd never considered. I've suddenly been forced to come up with a very compact mobile operation. And I can go pretty much anywhere with it. It's much more versatile than anything I was planning. And so many more opportunities. If it goes well that is. Lol. Have to keep realistic about this. Wish me luck!

--Will

Keep Smiling

I did caricatures at Covenant Children's Hospital this morning. Strictly volunteer stuff. But definitely worth while. I've got a lot of practicing to do with this new caricature coloring technique. So I figure what better way to get the practice in without worrying about quality - than to do it for kids in ICU.

It's had an unexpected result though. It's made me realize even more that I've got nothing to complain about. After 2 hours with these kids, my problems are non-existent. I didn't know why I was driving myself to do this, I guess I can see now. I need the reality.

And in return, I help them keep smiling.

About 4 years ago when I first started doing caricatures... I think it was my second or third caricature event ever. This lady asked if I'd do a caricature of her daughter - who happened to be in a wheelchair. I ask what she wants in the picture. She said, "Draw her with the Rock".. lol. So I did, I drew her standing next to the Rock. Standing. It just seemed natural to me. I didn't even think about the wheelchair. The girl took one look at the picture and started to giggle. The Mom started to cry. And I didn't have any idea what I'd done. The Mom told me later how much that drawing meant to both of them. But to me it was 10 minutes of my day. I was taken aback that I could have that much affect on someone, from just a few moments of my time. Ever since, I've wanted to use my gifts like that more.

Needless to say, I've felt a little selfish for not doing more. I sometimes can be very self-centered. I don't mean to be. I'm just so self-conscious about everything, that I have trouble getting out of my own head. But I've been trying to escape my egocentricity more and more lately. Old habits are hard to break. But I guarantee it will be tough to hold onto that the more I realize I've got a lot to be thankful for.

There was this kid... about 14, from New Orleans. Sweet kid. He lost his family in a car accident last week. All I had to give him was my ten minutes. There's not much more you can give. But when it was done, he held the picture and grinned... for a long time. I'm grateful that I could make him smile. It's like being given a gift.

...

There are lots more stories like that. They're tough to talk about. Almost as sad as they are beautiful. I feel very small in those rooms. As if I were not needed - yet being there does make some small difference. It cannot be measured and I may never even see it. But it does make some small difference. Just as long as I can help them, in some small way, keep smiling.

--Will

DARTH TATOR

Aww CRAP I want this sooooo bad!

This rocks my buttocks!



--Will

Anniversary

So I just realized that it's been one year since I started keeping this blog. It's pretty incredible to see how much I've grown since then. I've come from being overwhelmed and frustrated by depression, despair and self-loathing - to feeling confident, powerful and in control. I've distilled all of the problems that had followed me through most of my life down to their essence and have been able to confront them... and understand them. I feel like I can do anything now, go anywhere - and not take any extra baggage with me when I go. That's the purpose of baggage after all - it goes with you wherever you go. So I figure you might as well deal with it before trying to move on.

This time last year I thought my problems were many - I was fat, unwanted, unmotivated, unloved, misunderstood... man it goes on and on. I was a depressing person. I mean I knew I had lots of good things about me. But I didn't' value them. I couldn't see them. And for the most part, I thought the good stuff was something I wasn't allowed to enjoy till all the bad stuff was done.

But that wasn't it at all. Because the moment I started to value those things (and myself) all the bad stuff disappeared. Not literally, I'm still overweight and not producing like I'm capable of. But it doesn't matter anymore. Because everyday I'm doing something about it. And I can't do more than that - so why beat myself up over it, right?

You know...

I've written 318 posts. 111,256 words. And asked God only knows how many questions. Simply to get back to the point that I was when I was 8 years old. Back when I knew the value of the day. What love really was. Who was really important to me. And when peace was doing something I love. Back when work was done because it needed to be done, instead of just selling my time. Where happiness was simplicity. And where God was my steering wheel and not just my spare tire. In fact, I'm almost inclined to ask myself now when I start to worry, what would the 8 year old me do?

I think... he'd be happy with me now too.

--Will

GOOD THINGS - STAGE ONE: Getting Started

Yesterday was my last day at the cafe. Glad to be done. I found myself meandering towards a shoe store after cashing my paycheck and buying a new pair of shoes. Not sure why exactly. (could it be the nasty restraunt goo all over my old pair?!!) New shoes for a new journey, I guess. I also bought some incents to clear the air. And a day planner to help me keep my days in order.

So here's part one of the good news (the other parts will come later). I'm doing caricatures again. BIG time doing caricatures. I'm even going so far as establishing a new company identity. As far as what I'm doing with this, I'll let you know as it comes together a little more.



Anyways, today was my first full day with my new business. I woke up early and got a good start on things. I was pumped up, ready to work, and I looked around and was thinking... "ummm.. where do I start?" That's the problem with boundless opportunity. It's a little overwhelming getting started. Around 1 or 2 I started to get a little depressed that I wasn't kicking the amount of ass I'd planned on. Normally this type of thing would have sent me into a tailspin and I'd have to sleep it off for a few days. But I'm working on handling those issues much better.

Recently I've been practicing these exercises that are laid out in the Pilgrimage. They're not really meditation... more like tools for dealing with every day life. The one I started with a few weeks ago is called the Cruelty exercise. Of all the people in our lives, we tend to be the most cruel to ourselves. I know I've laid an obscene amount of guilt upon my own soul. For no particular reason, other than I thought feeling guilty was the best way to motivate me to do better. Turns out that's about as far from the truth as possible. So every time a thought comes to mind that makes me feel bad about myself - condescension, laziness, jealousy, self-pity, envy, hatred, and so on - I do the cruelty exercise. I've felt a great sense of peace ever since. I invested way too much time breaking myself down and building myself back up in the past. Now I accept when I've done something wrong and try to deal with the problem instead of the emotion. But I have a long way to go.

So the problem today was this - I have a tendency to complicate things. (I hear some of my friends laughing in the distance) I try to plan ahead and work around problems before they actually become problems. But that just expends extra energy instead of focusing on what really needs to be done. What I need to do is keep it simple. I've written that phrase down hundreds of times. Seems I'm always forgetting to "keep it simple".

I was explaining to a friend of mine yesterday about the way motivation works in drawing comics. It's almost impossible to motivate yourself to draw a page every day when you're not getting paid to do it. The rewards are so far off in the distance that it's very hard to keep up the pace. No matter of want nor will can change that. But I've seen several times - the moment someone starts getting paid for it - they suddenly rise to the challenge. I know that the same would be true with doing caricatures. So instead of focusing on all these ancillary projects and ideas to make the business better. I need to focus on setting up the rewards. And everything else will fall into place.

Here's to tomorrow.

--Will

Photography

So I've been taking lots of photos lately. Adrienne bought me a camera for my birthday back in October. Probably the nicest gift anyone's ever given me. I take it with me pretty much everywhere I go. And lately especially, we've had some neat weather round Lubbock - not to mention Lubbock's trademark breathtaking sunsets. So I've been running around trying to capture some of it.


View the full album.

The irony is, now that I've let some of my bullshit baggage go, I'm starting to see the beauty in this dirty little town.

--Will

No.

I've had some fascinating conversations this week. At first it was discussions with people I respect in business. About what drives them, what lead to their success. What failures they've had. Which led me to my post "Confessions and Reflections." And in response to that I've had even more amazing conversations.

There's been an especially passionate response about the issue of money. I'm overwhelmed really. I think a lot of people have more respect for me than I realized. But what has come from these conversations... is that I'm even more sure that I'm right about this. I know that borrowing money is not the problem. (the majority of my conversations were about me being a dumbass for turning down money... lol) In fact, I'm in favor of it... when the time is right. But this is not the issue I'm dealing with right now. This is... Spiritual.

"You are only as capable as you think you are."

From all the amazing people that I talked to about succeeding in business, this above all else is what I've learned. There is always an option in life. Being capable of finding that option is up to you. We all want to believe we are capable of great things. But wanting and doing are two different things. You have to require it of yourself. So when I took the investment option out of the picture. I started looking for more options. Suddenly my brain was on fire with ideas. I still can't stop. It's fucking amazing, I see options EVERYwhere now. Because I'm requiring myself to believe that I'm capable of amazing things.

I feel like, right now, taking the short-cut - borrowing money - would cheapen this incredible experience. Though I'm freaking scared shitless... I trust myself. And I've never believed myself to be as capable as I'm requiring myself to be right now. I guess that's why I'm so afraid. I've never been here before. I've never given myself completely to the universe. I've never been brave enough to totally accept this challenge and follow it through.

Part of learning to trust in the universe is accepting that everything is meant to be. And not in an apathetic "whatever happens, happens - so why bother trying" kind of way. You have to believe that the universe is here to help us. And if you believe everything's meant to be and that the universe is here to help us... then it goes without saying that there must ALWAYS be an option.

No.

No is an interesting word.

No almost never means "no" in business. You would think that I would have remembered that. But somewhere I stopped thinking this way. Probably when I started to believe that not having enough money was my problem. No is the detour sign of life. No means - take another route - find another path - try a different option. I know I often will tell someone no and what I really mean is "convince me". (Unless you're a shithead and I've had enough that is, then no means no!)

Now when I hear no, I start to ask questions... Tony Robbins-like questions. "How can I make this work?" "What's keeping me from doing this right this moment?" "What can I do tonight to get success?" I don't know where that came from, it just seems to be the natural response to me now. Because no doesn't mean stop anymore. Because I know this is meant to happen. The game is in trying to figure out how to make it happen.

They're not just words.

--Will

New Years Resolutions

I know this is a little late.. but really is it ever too late to make resolutions?

I resolve...

To never criticize or insult myself again.

To laugh more and actually enjoy time with my friends.

To dance as often as I used to and enjoy it just as much.

To not offer advice unless it is asked for... or desperately needed.

To accept that life is not meant to inspire me as much as its meant to challenge me - and I need to stop looking so much and start living more.

To plan on definites - build on solid foundations on which I can later build upon - Plan for potentials - not on them.

To be more thankful for the kindnesses that I've been shown. And communicate that with the people who've done so.

To accept compliments and opportunities more easily. (In my case I need to learn to handle them as easily as I handle criticism and setbacks.)

To go on more dates and meet more people.

To take more chances on myself.

To have a GREAT year!

--Will

Big Boys do it Too...

Evidence that even the pros have growing pains sometime. The Gaijin studio guys are having some turnover. Looks like Adam Hughs and Kelsey Shannon are moving on to do their own thing.



In an announcement on the Gaijin Studios messageboard, artist and studio member Cully Hamner revealed a handful of changes coming up at the studios, including a move to a new studio and some high-profile departures.

Hamner posted: “With our impending move to better environs (new studio, for those of you who don't speak French), there are going to be some changes at the end of the month: Adam [Hughes] will be officially leaving; Kelsey [Shannon] will be returning to his old feeding-ground in Texas; and Stine [Walsh] has set up her own studio at home to better concentrate undistracted on her painting, rather than having to constantly crisis-manage a bunch of overgrown children like us. A lot of you don't know her, but she's the real reason this place has managed to exist for almost 13 years now, and we're sure gonna miss seeing her every day (luckily, though, she's not going far since the B is sticking around).

So, where does that leave us? Brian Stelfreeze, Karl Story, and I will continue to be the core of this place, as always. We'll also continue our association with Joe Pruett and April Doster of Desperado Publishing (who will have the adjoining office to our new location) and Keven Gardner's 12-Gauge Comics. You can still catch us at Heroes Con, Dragon Con, and Baltimore Comicon, and I'm relatively sure San Diego will be in the mix, as well.

--Will

Confessions and Reflections: Part Two

Back in October I quit... everything. I quit comics. I quit caricatures. I quit drawing. Most importantly I quit letting people help me. I didn't understand what I was going through. And I didn't understand why I needed to do what I was doing. I just knew that I couldn't do what I had been doing anymore. I was living with this unbearable guilt from so much unfulfilled potential. So many broken dreams. I couldn't take it anymore.

See, I come from a family of helpers. Anyone that knows me, knows that I used to want to help you to death. Well imagine that... only times every member of my family (exponentially for each generation). We want people to live up to their own potential whatever it takes. Even if we have to sacrifice ourselves in the mean time to help someone reach that goal. When my GrandDad died, my Dad inherited some of his money. And all of his good intentions. My Dad has been responsible with the money I think. When he invests in something I'm doing, he requires a lot of me. He's careful to not invest too much at one time and definitely never in the numbers that my GrandDad was inclined to give (good thing I tell ya). I'm forever grateful for his faith in me. But I've clung to that safety net like a security blanket. It has made me complacent.

I'm often aware of something long before I understand it. I'm a slow learner. And at the time that I quit everything I told my Dad that I was committing myself to becoming financially responsible. And that meant paying back what I owed my Grandfather, and what I owed him. And most importantly I explained that I couldn't take any more investments. He was disappointed. He felt that I'd come so close to reaching the finish line. I felt it too. But I knew that I would never accomplish anything the way that I've been going about doing it.

So I took a shitty job, got back in touch with reality (finally) and started developing some realistic goals for myself. But a few weeks ago it hit me. "I made more in 3 hours doing caricatures than I do working 40 hours in this shitty job. What the HELL am I doing?!" I jokingly shared this observation with my family. Suddenly selective amnesia set in. For both me and my Dad. Suddenly all the failures of the past were a distant memory. And my parents were encouraging me to make a new plan.

So I did.

I was gonna do it right this time. I was gonna meticulously go over every previous mistake. And carefully strategize a fool proof plan of action. Before I ever even approach him about investing. And I did. I came up with a damn good plan. And I showed it to the people I trusted the most for critiques. I guarded it like it were my secret identity. And then it happened... someone asked the question...

"What if he says no?"

Suddenly I felt my stomach drop. Not because he might say no... but because he should say no. I'd done it again. I did exactly what I told myself not to do. I'm embarrassed to admit that I sometimes subconsciously put myself in these hypocritical situations, simply so I can understand them better. If I'm aware of the problem I'm trying to understand, I almost never go through with them. But there is a moment where I look like the biggest hypocrite in the world.

So after a few hours, the sinking guilt began to subside and the "now what?" questions started to trickle in. And that's when it happened... the hunger started to grow inside me. The fire behind my eyes was rekindled. My survival instincts began to click and whir, brought to life again after so many years of complicity.

"Goddammit I'm gonna do it anyways! Fool proof plan, huh? I don't need help if it's fool proof. I trust myself. I trust what I can do. The plan will work if I work it. If I'm aggressive and hungry enough." And so it began.

I don't regret the way I've lived my life. I did the best that I could with what I thought was right. I think most people in my situation would probably have done the same. I'm grateful to my family, my Dad especially. But I need to be my own man again. Convenience breeds complacency. The easiest way isn't always the right way.

I've been looking for this a long time. And I've called it many things on this blog. Discipline, dedication, passion, drive, and even fear. But now I get it... the magic that's been missing from my dreams, is me.

Well that was a lot. I bet you can't wait to hear what's going on... Stay Tuned.

--Will

Confessions and Reflections: Part One

I've had a breakthrough. It's implications are pretty incredible in my mind. In fact, I'd say this is the breakthrough that I've been working towards for more than a year. That description is reinforced in my mind by the monumental flood of momentum and cosmic forces in my life right now. It's like a dam is breaking loose.

I want to share with you this incredible catalyst. But I'm afraid it comes with some embarrassment on my part (not to mention - another long winded post).

At one time, my parents were not very supportive of the idea of me making comics. For quite a while actually. Not for any particularly malicious reason. Simply put, they thought I should go to school and get a degree... like a normal person should. Something for me to fall back on. But I passed on the idea. I figured you only have a safety net if you plan to use it. So for the first five years that I made comics and learned my craft I walked a very lonely road as far as family goes.

Until July 25th, 2000. The day I went to San Diego Comic-Con with the first book I'd finished in 3 years. We sold 1,000 copies in 2 days. We had to reprint at kinkos' in the middle of the 3rd night of the show. And we still sold out. Suddenly my parents saw the potential and were finally supportive of my ambitions. In fact they actually wanted to help. But stubborn as I was, I resisted, I wanted to do it all myself. And I did hold out for a long time.

It took a chain of bad events to break me down. A year long nightmare situation with my truck, a bad break up, a crappy job and then... September 10th 2001... The day I opened Lucid Comics Art Gallery and Studio. As you can imagine I don't think I could have timed it much worse (or better depending on your point of view) Inexperience, poor planning, one awful conman/salesman and a round of just plain bad luck led to my inevitable breakdown. I quickly blew through the $5000 Brandon and I had saved for the business. And I didn't know what to do.

I realize now, that was the crossroads of my life. And I chose wrong.



I borrowed $5000 from my Grandfather who was offering to help me keep it alive. It didn't make a difference. I closed the store New Years Eve. Moved into my parents computer room... and my grandfather passed away a week later. It was very disheartening. I was depressed, broke, and broken. Even though conditions have improved since then, not much has changed since I started down this path. In fact it may have actually gotten worse. I'm lucky that I have a great family. One that loves me and wants to help. Not everyone can say that. But I've come to realize that sometimes help isn't what you need.

Over the course of time since the store closed, I have made many attempts to get back on track. But they have all been hollow and have failed. I'm almost ashamed to admit how much 'help' I've received from my family. One asshole likes to bring it up whenever it serves him. But I'm NOT ashamed. Every time someone has offered to invest in one of my business ideas, it seemed to be the most logical chose to accept. Except... now I realize that it's kept me from being invested completely myself. I've been committed to every endeavor I've been involved with. But being invested and committed aren't the same thing.

I've been observing successful people a lot lately. One such person started out in almost the exact same way I did. Quit his job, opened a store, shit hit the fan... then there was the crossroads. But it wasn't even an option to him. His survival instincts kicked in. And he made it work. There was no one to bail him out.

And that's where I went wrong.

When things were getting to their worst with the store, it was because I wasn't doing something right... not because I needed more money. And instead of working through that and figuring out how to make it work, I took the easy way out... I used the safety net. I've been in a sort of creative arrested developement ever since then. Because that was the fulcrum point where my abilities met my potential for the first time. And I didnt do the work to live up to my potential.

Looking back, every event before that - I had the hunger - I had the fire behind my eyes (as they say in one obscure kung-fu soccer movie that made me almost pee my pants) I was inexperienced and constantly fighting the learning curve. But I believed in myself. And I was the only one I knew I could count on. And I made it work. Because there was no other option.

I haven't had that feeling in a long, long time.

...until last week.

Stay Tuned for Part TWO

--Will

Will Eisner is dead.




Comic book legend Will Eisner passed away yesterday. He was the master... the father of comic books. In essence he was the man that created the first comic book; compiling his daily strips of the newspaper comic "The Spirit" into pamphlet format to keep them in print. He invented the graphic novel. He established this incredible story-telling medium as a work of art. He blazed a path for countless to follow. And now... he's gone.



He lived the way I want to live... drawing comics, till the day he died.

--Will