The Devil made it sweet

***WARNING*** This is a Rant! ***WARNING***

I don't really believe the devil made sugar. But I do believe that man is stupid enough to get addicted to it like any other drug. In researching diet and exercise, what I discovered really surprised me. I've always known I was addicted to sugar... but when I started "laying off the sweets" as they say, I found myself addicted to other stuff, namely bread, and bread products. That being pasta, crackers, chips and especially... well.. bread. What I didn't realize is the amount of sugar that is in bread. And after further scrutiny, I discovered that sugar is in everything that comes in a package. Discovering that, to me, was like being in a horror movie. It's not bad enough the boogie man is in your closet, now he's everywhere you turn.

It turns out, that back in the 70's Oceanspray... the people that make cranberry juice(...mmm... cranberry juice) started putting High-fructose corn-syrup in their 100% natural juice. Their profit margin went through the fucking roof. Why? Because the number one government subsidized cash-crop in America is... corn! They make the stuff and get paid to make the stuff. On TOP of getting paid to SELL the stuff! It's so cheap that thats almost exclusively what is farmed in a lot of places, because they can't lose money on it. They of course sell it, but then it gets turned into corn-syrup and then... replaces sugar in almost all products. Even most products that don't need it, because if a quarter of the materials used to make your product is nearly cost free, you'd be stupid not to use it. So it's in EVERYTHING!!!

And that is what's making EVERYONE fat. That's what did it to me, I guarantee it. Well... that... and not exercising enough to combat the fat my body was producing.

The thing is, for me, there was no way of escaping it, especially since I didnt know what IT was. I tried to follow the diets, they say eat low-fat. Well, do you know how they get low-fat low fat? They add SUGAR, so the low fat doesn't taste like cardboard. I tried eating yogurts, and slim-fast and granola bars. They've all got SUGAR in them. No escape. Try it some time. Go to the grocery store and walk down each isle and just SEE if you can find a box of something that doesn't have High-fructose corn-syrup in it! You can't. It doesn't exist anymore. And you can damn well believe it's the same in 99% of all fast food. I'm not even going to try to talk about cokes.

Anyways, I don't know the answer. All I can tell you is what I've been doing. I think cooking real food has been the real key to changing my lfe. When you finally start to understand the cause of unhealthy eating, and the causes of your addictions, it's easier to start to change. Look carefully at what you're eating, you may not have noticed that 99% of every packaged, processed and fast food is made with High-fructose corn-syrup. So now when I go to the grocery store, the only things I can get without that, are raw meats, raw fruits and vegetables and... well, that's it. Nothing that comes in a box or a bag. No hamburger helper, no frozen dinners and most of all... no eating out.

But that's not the end all, be all of this whole thing. I think man is made to enjoy good foods, and sweets and stuff. But it comes with moderation. I'm trying to exercise more than the foods that I take in. Which means, that at some point, when I hit my target weight, I can eat whatever I want as long as I keep exercising enough to counteract that. But until I get to that weight, I have to take in considerably less and be much more careful with what I eat. So it's mostly meats, raw vegetables, little bread and lots of water. But thats me. Sorry about the rant. Not that anyones paying attention.

--Will

What I've lost and what I've gained.

This is not a normal post. This is mostly an update for myself about my workout and diet. So it will prolly bore anyone else reading this to tears. So skip on to the next days entry unless you're either trying to lose weight yourself, or you're interested in my weight loss or.. well.. you're weird.

This is the last day of my first month of working out. I figure this is a good opportunity to do a status check. So far since I started lifting weights I've lost a total of ZERO pounds. Zilch, nada. It's a little discouraging, but I'll take it. I started my diet about 4 months ago and in the first 3 months I lost about 20 pounds. That all stopped the minute I started exercising. But oh well. The workout plan said the first month there would not be a lot of change, because I'm actually replacing fat with muscle. Month one is mostly about building a base of muscles to work with, building endurance and reinforcing the habit of working out. Month two is all about shocking the muscles with heavier weights and building mass.

Overall I think I've done pretty good. I've only skipped two workouts this month and both of those I made up the very next day. I've also slowly started adding in aerobic/cardio workouts. This week I actually went swimming 3 days instead of 2, and each of those were for 1 - 1 1/2 hours instead of the 45 min I started with earlier in the month. I also went walking one day this week. My sister and I are going to try swimming 5 days next week. I think that will make a HUGE difference in everything. But of course, this week was the first time that swimming actually felt like a workout. It's taken me 3 weeks to get my breathing right while swimming. So that now I can keep going with enough consistency to almost wear myself out. Before, my muscles wouldn't even be sore or tired because I kept running out of breath before I got close enough.

I'm only noticing minute changes in my figure. I think it was Tuesday, I could tell I was remarkably thinner, but by yesterday it seemed to all be back. The definition in my arm muscles doesn't seemed to have improved much either since week one. Measurement-wise though since Jan. 1, I've lost 2 inches off my stomach 1 inch off my chest and about 2 inches off my neck. My arms and waist seem to be the same. My energy seems to be pretty much the same as before the work out. I do feel a constant craving for more exercise though. It's starting to get more addictive.

My diet has remained fairly consistent. This week was a little rough because we couldn't get around to getting groceries for real meals. But I didn't cheat (...Prolly because I didn't have any money to cheat with..hehe) I think cooking real food has been the real key to all of this working.

I feel pretty confidant right now. I have no doubt that I'll keep this up for the full 6 month plan. And I'll probably keep going with it from there on out. Everything seems to be getting easier the more that I do it. And I can totally see myself doing cardio work-outs nearly every day in the near future. That's where the magic is. So Sunday is the start of Month two. I hope to double all the results from this month. Except the weight loss.. because you can't double zero.. or you can but it's still.. um.. zero. Anyways...

--Will

Bridge to Terabithia

I finished reading William Goldman's ADVENTURES IN THE SCREEN TRADE today. It's a very informative book. I find myself more and more leaning towards someday writing movie screen-plays. And even though the books a little dated it's still very interesting. Course, after all the horror-stories it seems he's been through, it's hard to understand why he's stuck with it for so long. I guess when you love something like storytelling as much, you're willing to put up with just about anything. After ADVENTURES I started into another William Goldman book THE PRINCESS BRIDE. Which is one of my all time favorite movies. The book is very different from the movie but so far it's an awesome read. I got about half way through that book tonight and decided to stop.

For some reason though, I picked up another book and read it completely tonight. BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA by Katherine Paterson. I hadn't read this book since I was a child so I only remembered bits and pieces of it. In fact I was about 10 when I read it. But I do remember it having a huge emotional impact on my entire childhood. I think it was the first time I'd ever cried over fictional characters. The thing about this book, is that it came along at such a crucial point in my life. It was the middle of 5th grade and probably the worst year of my life. I had just moved to a new school and it was the middle of the year. My teacher starts reading this book the week I get there. But the story so closely resembled things going on in my life, and I remember these magical things that these two kids dreamed of, and I remember how powerful an affect that had on me.

A brief description of the story, It's about a boy, growing up on a farm as the only boy of his family with 2 younger sisters and 2 older sisters. He ends up carrying a large part of the load for the family because the father is always at work. A girl and her family move in next door and the girl quickly tries to become the boys friend. She's a fascinating character, very independent, very smart and extremely creative and imaginative. She reminds me very much of a girl in my class that I had a crush on at the same time that we were reading this book. Anyways, she takes the boy on all of these magical pretend journeys and they find themselves constantly getting lost in this magical world that they've created in the creeks and forests behind their homes. He learns to be more than he is, through her. He learns really to live, through her. If you've never read it, I can't recommend it highly enough.

The funny thing is that I think all of my love for storytelling... no, need for storytelling, is deeply rooted in this story. Every story I've tried to write or create has some element of Terabithia in it. And I find myself constantly battling to create that sort of emotion in my storytelling as well. But I never realized it till I read it again tonight. Strange how the brain works.

So I've got to get back to drawing now. I should finish PRINCESS BRIDE tomorrow. Then I'm going to try for Slaughterhouse 5. I'm really enjoying reading now.

--Will

A list of 27 things...

I'm 27 this year. 30 is getting closer and I'm starting to appreciate that fact ever more each day. But before I cross into a new decade I want to make sure I'm living my life to it's fullest. I want to appreciate it now.. instead of looking back and wishing I had done more. So I'm going to start with a list of 27 things that I will do this year.

27 things.

1. Swim in the ocean (I live about as far from water as you can get)
2. Go camping
3. Publish 6 comic books
4. Make Christmas cards for all of my friends.
5. Learn to bake Grandma's blueberry pie ...mmmm!
6. Learn to paint better.
7. Have a gallery art show with only paintings that I've done this year.
8. Buy a car that I can travel the entire country without it breaking down
9. Go to 3 major comic conventions and 3 small ones
10. Create a professional main-stream portfolio, just to see if I can do it.
11. Go on 10 dates with 10 different women.
12. Become friends with more professionals in my industry
13. Go to Mexico for a weekend
14. Teach art classes this summer (I haven't done it in 3 years)
15. Feel proud of my body
16. Get interviewed by a magazine
17. Go to New York City
18. Go to Chicago
19. Learn to be more responsible
20. Swim with Dolphins
21. Go back to visit New Orleans
22. Finish drawing "A letter to Emily"
23. Drive to at least 5 states that I've never been to
24. Go skinny dipping with a beautiful woman on a beach somewhere.
25. Make a living drawing comics
26. Learn to cook even better
27. Reach my goal of losing weight and getting in shape

And just for the hell of it I made a list of 30 things I want to do before I'm 30.

30 things.

1. Take new pictures with every friend that has ever loved me (no matter where they life).
2. Live in San Diego, Ca.
3. Write a novel
4. Visit the Cinque Terre, Italy (to paint and fall in love)
5. Go swimming on both coasts in the same day.
6. Walk the pilgrimage El Camino de Santiago in Portugal
7. Get a modeling contract
8. Become flexible (I've never been able to touch my toes without it hurting)
9. Move to europe for a year
10. Live in New York City
11. Fly in a Helicopter
12. Get a book Contract
13. Learn to surf
14. Visit one country in every continent in the same year.
15. Sell a screen-play
16. Create a comic book that touches peoples hearts and will stay with them forever.
17. Become friends with more professionals in my industry
18. Go skiing
19. Go to Disneyworld
20. Be an extra in a movie
21. Create more passive incomes, so that I don't have to work as hard to earn a living.
22. Take more roadtrips with good friends
23. Make at least 6 comic books a year
24. Do more art shows
25. Go sailing
26. Become independantly wealthy
27. Buy a laptop and digital camera, to travel and record my journeys
28. Make an interactive website that will help focus and inspire other artists, and will become a networking hub for my industry.
29. Headline at a convention
30. Be happy with myself, want what I have and enjoy every moment I'm alive.

--Will

Quench your thirst

I've never been much of a reader. I'm not sure why. I guess because I've always believed that I had a short attention span. And in many ways I have... wait, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, reading. I don't know what's going on, but lately I have been reading voraciously. It started when I borrowed this book on Personology, astrology and numerology from a friend. I guess it's been a while since I've read, but it was like I've been thirsty and that thirst was finally quenched. It wasn't just the subject matter either. Because in the week since then I've read 3 other books and I'm half way through a 600 page book on screen-writing. AND I've got 2 other books waiting in the wings. It was that event and also reading a friends website where she talks about reading 10 books in one sitting on a wide variety of subjects.

It may be me thinking that I had a short attention span was a self-fulfilling prophecy, or maybe I'm just growing into some new stage of my life. I don't know what the case is. And the strange thing, it's not really affecting anything else in my life, at least not in the way I expected. I still have time for my work-outs and I still have time to draw. But in a way, I actually feel more creative from reading now. I think it's mostly just seeing the words and taking in information like that, more than the subject of what I'm reading.

Life is so strange, you live for years one way, then one day it's a whole new ball game.

--Will

"..Who ARE you..?" said the caterpillar

So I borrowed this book from my friend Luis about Personology, Astrology, and Numerology. They basically take the Date and Month of your birth and break it down according to the sun, the moon, the planets and the stars (and of course the numbers related to that). Reading it, I was aghast at how accurately it seemed to pin-point my personality. I even read it aloud to Luis and he concurred, right down to the fact that everyone that shares my birthday is kind of an ass (I am after all a Scorpio). But the most interesting part to me was where it listed the change points within my life. It essentially says that before the age of 27 (which is everything up till this year) I am concerned with issues regarding my deep feelings and personal power. Then at the age of 28 there is a turning point that highlights optimism and a growing need for freedom and expanding my horizons, whether through my philosophy of life, education or travel.

Normally I would write this all off as coincidence or vague mysticism. Except for the fact that the 4 months before January I spent in deep introspection, soul-searching and self-criticism. Do to the fact that I'd made so many efforts in my life to succeed and help others succeed and I kept running into the same problems over and over which were more times than not caused by my own damn self. And the conclusion that I came to was that I needed to stay within myself, with only a few close friends, and go to school and travel. And I was planning my 27th year completely around preparing for that. It's eerie.

Of course it doesn't say when I'm going to get laid next. But hey...

--Will

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses...

Being an artist is a constant battle. It often seems like once you've conquered one front, another seam splits somewhere else. Lately, I'm getting more drawing done. But I'm still working about half as much as I could or should be. That's usually a sign that I've got a bad case of the "excuses." I've got all of this free-time for the next few weeks and I seem to be wasting most of it. So it's time for me to break it down and figure out where all my time is going and why I'm not spending it drawing. It's time to have a little talk with myself about my little excuses...

"I'm not in the mood to draw."

"I don't feel comfortable drawing at my drawing table. I just sit there and the angle feels all wrong and the chair is uncomfortable and it's dark and too quiet and I get frustrated."

"I can't draw at home. I just can't get comfortable sitting at my drawing table. It's been that way ever since I moved the studio around and whenever I try to draw in bed I end up watching TV all night and don't get anything done."

"I can draw at Denny's but I don't have a lot of cash to buy coffee every night."

"I drew for 4 hours last night and I didn't get anything done."

"There's just so much work to do... and it's never really going to pay off anyways, so why should I keep doing it?"

"I'm not good enough."

Ok... well, first; evidently I don't like drawing at home. And I don't have money to go out to draw and I don't have a studio outside of the house anymore or friends that have studios that I can draw at. So how do I fix this? I could try moving the studio back to the way it was when I was able to produce. With my computer MIA that wouldn't be too far of a stretch to get done. So I'll try that. When? After I finish typing this.

Second, I've apparently got an insecurity thing going on. I haven't had that one with my artwork in a while. I think it's come from not having drawn consistently and intensely for nearly 4 months. If you take a race-horse out of it's routine for 4 months, it's going to take it a while to get back to it's peak condition. That causes insecurities about not being able to do something that came so naturally before. So how do I fix it? Stop thinking! You have to get back into the routine and stick to it for at least a month before you'll start to see results. It takes 20 days to form a habit. So far you've been sprinting every other day. And feeling insecure about not being able to work as easily as you once did. Working like that is not forming habits, it's forming insecurity.

So what is the new routine? Draw at least 4 hours a day, EVERY day. Start at midnite, since that seems to be when you are primed to get something done, after the work-outs and after a little TV. For those 4 hours you need to draw consistently. Try to do more work than the day before. After a month, you'll start getting your confidence back and start feeling like you're getting work done and feeling like challenging yourself to do more. At that point you can start drawing during the day again, and hopefully by the next convention you'll plateau at your peak efficiency again.

Lastly, your productivity. Other than forming routines to become more productive, you need to stay focused. Keep working on the proposals and have a set list of things that need to get done for each proposal. That way you can check them off as they get done, and you can visualize the progress as it's getting done. So what is the check list?

3 proposals = 3 Pitch packets

1 pitch packet = Pitch letter, Story outlines, 10 character sketches, 5 pages of sequential artwork and 3 logo designs.

10 character sketches = Character bio + 4 small headshots and 1 full character shot

5 pages of sequential artwork = 5 penciled pages, tightly drawn

So that's it. No more excuses.

--Will

Getting something off my chest.

So I just finished lifting weights. This is the middle of week three. I feel really good about my workouts. I can definitely tell that something is working. I'm actually starting to see definition in my arms even when I'm NOT flexing. That's awesome. I haven't had that in a really long time. Unfortunately it seems that I've gained 4 pounds since my last weigh-in on Saturday. I guess I've been sneaking in too many snacks in between meals. Oh well, I've got till Saturday to get it back off. I know I was feeling a little depressed about the slow progress, and that led to me breaking down a couple times. Nothing major, it was like 2 granola bars and an extra bowl of cereal during the week. I've done much worst in the past. I look at this experience though, not as a diet, but as changing my life. I eat healthy about 90% of the time and the other 10 % I'm just trying to keep the damage to a minimum. Like eating granola bars instead of chocolate bars. And drinking Sprite instead of DrPepper. But eventually I hope to cut even that amount down.

Even though I've been on a new eating plan for 3 months and a new workout plan for less than a month, I still feel like I'm only now getting started with all of this. Somewhere around month 3 I plan to be lifting twice as much weight and running/walking, biking or swimming 5-6 days every week. It kind of feeds into itself. The more swimming I do, and the more weight lifting I do, the more I WANT to do. It's like an addiction. But once I get to that point where I'm going full throttle, the weight will start coming off a whole lot faster and I can relax a little with my eating. I think that's why "Diets" seem to ALWAYS fail, it's because you're fighting your natural instincts. Everyone has the ability to eat whatever they want, I don't think it has anything to do with Metabolism. It's just that so many people remain stationary and don't exercise. Or don't exercise enough for the amount that they eat.

I'm sure I have a long way to go though on this whole journey. I've always known that it wouldn't be that hard once I figured it out... once I figured myself out. I had to really look into myself, and record everything that I did for several months and break down "what I did" and "why I did it". I discovered tons of conditions that caused me to overeat and binge and remain depressed and remain sedentary. I discovered that I was eating unconsciously. I often would eat a healthy meal and not feel satisfied because it didn't come from the store. So I would have to walk to the 7-11 and buy a fried pie and a coke. Then I'd eat it and get high. In fact it almost all came down to me wanting to get high... on food. Sometimes it was to keep me from thinking, sometimes it was to escape but most of the time it was just out of habit. I can't count how many times I would go buy some junk and shoot up my veins with fruit filling then drive around high for a couple hours.

It makes me wonder what everyone else's life is like. If someone were to sit down and just write down everything that they did that day and try to figure out why they did it. I wonder if it turned out they had some sort of psychological dilemma of their own? Anyways... I gotta go to bed. I'm going swimming early tomorrow.

--Will

It's Like Sugar for My Soul...

Conscious Living. Appreciation of life. These are the goals that I work hard to achieve. I used to live blind to the world. Not fully experiencing the things that I took in. To a great extent, that is how I came to be overweight. I wasn't conscious or aware of my eating. I was eating when I was hungry or nervous or sad or.. well whenever I had money to eat. Not fully experiencing the things that I took in. Now I live each day so that the next might be twice as good. I plant dreams for myself so that as I follow this path I can watch them come to bloom. I hide little notes to myself with one small thing that I envision myself doing after I've lost my weight, or started making a comfortable living drawing comics. One is to travel to all the places I've lived in my life and take a new picture with every person that has ever loved me. When you're overweight, those people that love you in spite of your condition are rare and far between. But what a thrill it will be to fill a photo album with all these people and be smiling in every picture. To be proud of myself in every picture.

I have many dreams such as this. I write them down on sheets of paper and hide them among the rubble that I work through every day. When I run across them again it's usually a very welcome and inspirational occasion. I feel passionate that the day that these dreams will come to pass is coming soon. It might be a year, maybe next summer. But for once in a long time... the day is not getting further away.

--Will

Beneath it all...

Losing weight is not an easy battle. It seems like everyday I'm discovering something different about myself. I'm realizing why I do what I do and how it's caused me to end up overweight. One thing I discovered about myself today...I am on hiatus. I think my whole LIFE has been on hiatus for about 10 years. I mean, I was never super popular in high school, but I did have lots of friends and I could get girls. Then in college, I slowly started putting things on hold and slowly gained more and more weight. I find that I've done that with almost everything in my life. Being conscious of my weight has hindered me in so many ways. Often the people I interact with are the cause of it, but mostly I do it myself. I've seen enough people look away from me suddenly, embarrassed of some foul thought. I've witnessed enough conversations about sex and romance and bar-life, and all the scenes that I've never fit into because of my weight.

I don't attempt to date, because I don't want to fall in love like this. I want to be proud of MYSELF before I fall in love again. I can't even remember when that started, but it is most definitely the case. I can't even remember the last time I was interested in a woman. Can you imagine that? Not even a remote possibility of romance? 00I think I somehow turned off that part of my brain... or maybe I've numbed it with food. Whatever the case, now that I'm starting to lose weight, I find myself starting to think about love again. I find myself opening up to the idea again. I will still probably hold off until I get to a decent weight before I ask any women out though. Past the point of no return, so to speak. I want to have something to be proud of and be confident in myself about before I try to put myself out there again. The harsh reality is that the woman I would love to be with, would probably not want to be with me in the state that I am. I can't say I'd blame her. Why would anyone want to settle when they don't have to?

I went through this period where I dated several women, despite the weight and my low self-esteem. I said "fuck it" ...women want a man that's confident in himselves, no matter what he looks like. So that's what I did. But what I got was several women that really liked me, and said they loved being with me because I made them laugh and feel comfortable and feel better about themselves. But they just weren't attracted to me. It turned out I could only be confident in myself up to the point that I took my shirt off. It burned, and so I stopped. That was probably a couple years ago.

The same sort of thing has happened in my business as well. I go to lots of trade shows and meet people and try to make a good impression. I hate that when I talk to people I feel like I've already got 2 strikes against me. Anyways...


--Will

Dance With Me

I have a very active fantasy life. It keeps me sane. It keeps me from getting so depressed that I want to kill myself. I was made to be in Love, and for much of my life I have been denied my purpose. So fantasy, keeping the passion, romance and optimism alive within me is essential. I think it takes this to stay alone and stay focused to work as much as I do. The problem is, for nearly a year I was programming myself with these fantasies that I'd someday meet a beautiful woman to fall in love with, in some far off exotic city. Like NewYork, San Diego, L.A. or even Holland, because those are places I was wanting to go. The thing is, although I ultimately plan to someday move to one of these places it's probably going to be a long time before I do. Consequently, the universe has kept all possibilities of love and relationships from me. Because that's what I was asking for. This seemed to only add to my depression. So the last few weeks, I've been dreaming about new things. More attainable and believable things. But still... they are fantasies.

I had a wonderful dream last night...

It starts about 8 months from now, the weather is still summer-like and nice out. And all of my friends decide to take me out to celebrate, because I've finally reached my goal weight and they've somehow found out about it. It's dramatically changed the dynamic between my friends and I. It's evident in my confidence and the way they treat me. We go to a bar in my town called Bleacher's. And my favorite local band "Plain Brown Wrapper" is playing. It's a fun night. There's drinking and celebration and sweet, sweet rejoicing.

One thing about me going out drinking. I almost never get drunk. I usually have a few beers and spend most of the night dancing. It's always been that way, I love to dance. Almost every time that I go out, I'll grab some poor unsuspecting woman, sitting alone, and pull her onto the dance floor (with her permission and a somewhat bewildered yet curious look). Usually we're the only ones on the floor, in fact usually there ISN'T a dance floor. We start to dance and have fun and after a couple of songs, we look around and realize that we're no longer alone. Nearly everyone in the building is up and dancing too. It happens this way every time, I guess because after watching us dance, people don't feel so awkward about being out there. It's a magical feeling.

So on this particular night when I decide it's time to get up to dance. I find myself wondering how things will be different now that I'm thin and feeling confident in my body. I suspect that confidence in yourself and confidence in your body are two very different things. But I have yet to experience the latter in my dating life. As I state my purpose to the friends at the table and start to look around for a cute, young, rhythmical, victim. One of my friends, a young kid, you know the kind... he's the pretty boy that every girl seems to faun over. He dares me to ask out the most beautiful woman in the bar. I figure, "What the Hell?" It's time to try out my hard fought physique and test it's limits. I ask if we all have to agree on what "most beautiful" is... but before I can finish my sentence I see her. And so does every one else. It's no contest.

There she sits, at a table on a deck just a few feet higher than ours, in the corner of the room. She is surrounded by her friends. All of whom would have been more than beautiful on their own... except they're sitting next to HER. You see it's her smile that does it. She laughs and smiles. That makes her more beautiful than any pouting, primping debutante in this bar. And her dark mysterious eyes... wow, in the glowing neon-lights they take on even more magical powers. And when she laughs, even her eyes seem to smile with her.

I finish my beer and march over to her. I'm so focused on the task at hand that I'm completely oblivious to the frat boy hanging around her shoulder. She looks up almost startled at me, I pause for a moment to catch my breath and smile slyly and lower my gaze to intensify the eye-contact. I smile a little wider and hold out my hand and ask her to dance. She smiles in almost exactly the same way and takes my hand. She doesn't look back. As we make our way down towards the band I can here giggles and snickers from the girls at her table. But it doesn't matter... because I have her hand in mine.

As we step in front of the band I see a concerned look on her face. She asks me, "Are you sure this is a dance floor?" I reply "Does it matter?" She laughs and the band starts to play... it's Marvin Gaye..

"...How Sweet it IS to be LOVED by you..."
"...I want to STOP... and thank you baby...."

We dance light and playful. She laughs louder and bigger. I can tell she's enjoying it. I twirl her and swirl her into my arms. All eyes are on us. But neither of us notices. We dance like nobody is watching.

"...I needed the shelter.. of someone's arms... and there you were..."
"...How sweet it IS to be LOVED by you..."

She closes her eyes and leans in closer. I can feel her heart racing against my chest. We dance like we're part of each other. The motions are peaceful and happy. The music plays and plays and I hope that the moment will never end... But then it does. She smiles and her eyes sparkle. She looks around and we realize that there's almost no one sitting down. The entire room is dancing. She looks back at me and laughs out loud. Nothing needs to be said. She feels the magic too. I ask if she'd like another dance. She smiles and says softly "Yes, of course." Suddenly the music starts. It's three unforgetable notes, moaning, leading into a crecendo... it's Marvin Gaye again...

"I've been REALLY trying.. Tryna hold back this FEELING.. For So long.."
"Lets get it on."

She leans in to whisper in my ear. "You any good at slow dancing?" I lean in to to whisper to her. "Not at all." She laughs with her whole body. It makes me smile. I love a woman that loves to laugh. At first, she has her arms together on my chest, almost to keep me from getting too close. Then I can see her mind thinking, questioning and finally... letting go. She wraps her arms around me completely. She holds me tightly and I can feel her energy flowing into me. I squeeze her tight, I hug her with the strength that says I can never let go if you want me to. We stay that way and she lays her head onto my shoulder and I can feel her body relax.

"...Theres NOTHING wrong.. with ME... Loving YOUUU...."
"...Giving yourSELF to me.. Could NEVER be wrong..."
"...If the love is TRUUUE..."

Suddenly she lifts her head and her eyes meet mine. She quickly leans in and kisses me on the mouth. She pauses for a breath to take in the moment. Then she leans in again and we kiss. I can hear my friends break into jeers and chants from across the room, we both laugh and try to ignore them. We continue kissing, and we stay that way for a while until suddenly realizing that the music has changed. We're both very quiet, enjoying that rare feeling you find in the beginning of love.

Her eyes are closed and her arms are locked behind my head. We continue to sway to the rhythm of the previous song. She slowly opens her eyes and looks deeply into mine. She takes a deep breath and says that it's time for her to go. Still holding me tightly she kisses me on the cheek. I can tell she doesn't want to let go any more than I do. I take her hand and lead her to the nearest empty table. We sit to talk, surrounded by couples dancing all around the room. The noisy frat bar has suddenly become a slow dance. She takes my pen and writes her number on my arm. She tells me that I need to call her. She repeats the phrase many times over. There's a great deal of sincerity in her voice. As she gets up to leave, I grab her arm and pull her to me once more and kiss her. She's glowing. Then I hand her my business card and tell her I'll call her the next day. She kisses me on the cheek and runs to her friends, who are already getting up to leave.

I breath deep and sit back down with my friends. I can see them cheering me and slapping me on the back. But I can hear nothing. I'm lost in her eyes. I go home in a dream. It was a good night... One day soon I'll have a night like this.

_______________________________________

Needless to say, the dream didnt end there. I am a very sensual and sexual person, but that's not something I want to put up here.

--Will

The Artist Vs. The Artist

Being an artist is a tough fight. It's hard to find harmony between the productive artist and the artist fantasy. I find I work best when I don't think at all. But in order to be productive you have to plan your work. But to plan, is to think. And thinking is the enemy of creativity. So it's easy to get caught in that netherworld between the two. I've been stuck in that artistic purgatory for some time now.

Right now I am working on several major comic book story proposals for a big, big company. A year ago I never would have thought I'd be doing anything like this, but I published a story that this company really enjoyed. They want me to create something that delivers that same enjoyment. After exhaustively researching this prospect, then weighing the pros and cons, I decided to commit to it whole-heartedly. After all, opportunities like this don't come around very often. After making that commitment though, my life has been sort of rearranging itself. It's pushed me out of certain situations and environments and into other ones, shifting and forming the perfect path for me to follow. It's a very uncomfortable and unsettling process. In the interim, my productivity had ground to a complete halt. Aside from the occasional commissioned project, or daily artistic whim, I have done almost nothing. It's a very disturbing contrast to what I am normally capable of. But it is as it is.

Since the new year I have felt alive, and reinspired. I've worked a lot, only limited by the addictions I had formed over the few months that I was inactive. Those addictions being, mindless television, junk food and the internet. All of those things have broken down in the last few weeks since the new year. Some in very painful and depressing ways. But none the less, I am free of them. However, it is up to me to make something with that freedom. So I am recommiting to my productivity. I'm aware that it will start small, as it always does. Every day next week I plan to draw 5 to 10 detailed character sketches. The week after that I plan to start drawing pages again, one a day, as well as the 5-10 character sketches. Then at the end of the two weeks, I'll reassess what I have done, and set the next goals. Being productive, with anything is hard. But it's not thinking about doing it... it's about doing it. You slowly make it part of your life, until it is your life.

I believe that being a productive artist isn't any different. It's not about conquering yourself, it's about creating yourself around it. It's still very hard to find the balance though. Because if I succeed at becoming productive, it is usually at the cost of having a life. A year ago I was completely consumed with being productive. I lost a lot of friends because of it. But this time in my life is the perfect time to follow through, I am alone, I have no wife or family to support. My friends are all pairing off and are all in their own worlds. I would rather be consumed with my art now in order to make a living doing this in just a few short years, than work a job making money for whoever I work for, while trying to squeeze my dreams into their schedule. I've suffered the isolation and extreme poverty for more than a year now. But achieving my dreams is worth everything to me. There will be time in a few years where I can slow down. But this is not that time. So... back to the drawing board.


-Will

Managing life and living

I've been preparing for several months to manage my life. I've bought free-weights, and workout clothes. I've been cooking healthy dinners nearly every night for the last 2 months. And most of all, I've been eliminating all of my excuses one at a time. To the point where I have no excuse to drink sodas or eat out or not exercise. I'm managing my life so that the excuses dont exist. I drink plenty of water, I have plenty of healthy food in the house and I have everything I need to exercise regularly. I am in month one right now of a 6 month work out program. I started out at 300 pounds, and lost nearly 20 pounds from eating right alone. My goal is to be at 165 pounds within a year and have a very defined muscular body. The weight loss has sort of stopped though since I've started lifting weights. I guess I'm replacing fat with muscle.

I finished week two of my exercise plan tonight. I skipped lifting weights last night because I was feeling depressed about losing my computer. So I did the routine tonight instead. I can tell the exercise is working, but the visual results are still small. My arm muscle's are all starting to show definition. So now instead of 18" arms that look fat, they look like 18" arms with muscles. My shoulder's are very well defined now and it makes me look like I'm actually strong. My chest is slower to change though. I think every time I've tried exercise it's been that way. My chest and stomach are both 52" inches, those are my trouble areas. I'm focusing on my arms right now so that I have something to be proud of. "Surrounding my enemy" so to speak. At the same time I'm breaking in my chest and ab muscles, getting them ready for the hardcore workouts later on. So far whenever I flex, there is definite muscle movement under my chest. So that is a good sign that it is working. But change is slow. I've vowed to make it through the entire 6 month plan before i start second guessing myself.

I went swimming yesterday. This was my second time this week. Next week my sister and I are going to go Monday, Wednesday and Friday for 2 hours at a time. My sister isn't trying to get into shape, she actually already is, she just wants to get out of the house and get back into swimming. She makes for a really great exercise partner. Within the next couple of weeks I'd like to also add running/walking a couple times a week. The more cardio I do, the faster I burn the fat to reveal the muscle tone that's already underneathe.

I'm starting to realize why swimming is such a tough workout. It's the breathing. It's hard to hold your breath while you're exercising. When I run or walk, I tend to breath with every step. With swimming you're only supposed to breathe every 3rd stroke. It's going to take some practice to get where I do that naturally. But once I do I think it will be a great exercise for me, and I think it will help with everything else I do.

--Will

The Universe conspires to help us, even when it hurts.

Every thought of my day is consumed with producing my work. Every aspiration I have is to make myself a better artist, and produce successful stories. Unfortunately in the last 4 months, my follow-through has been stuck in the mud. I continue to dream and plan as though I were still working as hard as I was just a few months ago, but dreams can only get you so far. I believe that when you contract with the Universe to help you in achieving whatever dream it is you want to make real, the universe will conspire to help you do it, even if you find yourself unable to do it. Well, lately, the Universe is kicking my ass back into gear.

A few weeks ago when the internet on my computer stopped working, I should have been paying attention. Instead, I went out of my way to fix it, rather than fix what was REALLY the problem. Last week, when the antenna on my TV broke so that I only had one channel to watch, I should have been paying attention. It was the end of staying up till 5 in the morning zombifying to the Late night news. I still didn't get it. Then yesterday, my computer's hard-drive crashes... that was my wake up call. I'm paying attention now. I've lost everything. My scripts, my journals, my art... everything. Fortunately the few things I need right now, I still have within my reach. And the only thing left for me to spend time doing is to draw. Which is the only thing I should have been doing all of this time. No more playing on the internet, chatting with friends or "researching". So chalk it up to fate.

I should have been listening more carefully.

I'm back to work now. I went to Denny's and drew all night. I got a dozen or so character sketches done for the proposal. Now I just need a few dozen more and to finish some actual sequential art and I'll finally have a complete project to send in. At least I'm more confident that I'm on the right track now. If the Universe is going to go this far to keep me on task, then I must be doing something right. Lets just hope something comes to fruition with this story proposal now.

-Will

A Message from me.

If someone other than myself is reading this, please forgive the dull nature of my life. I'm a quiet person with very simple goals. For the next couple of years my purpose is simply to become a better man. To understand myself, to finally get my body and life into shape and to become successful producing and making a living off of my art. All of which I have made great strides to achieving, with some moderate successes, but all are still slightly out of my reach. This journal isn't meant to entertain anyone, or make people like me. It is for personal purposes strictly. I'm recording my life to disect and understand why I do the things I do. If however you do find yourself reading this, for whatever ungodly reason, I hope that you can somehow take something good away from my experiences.

Sincerely,
Will