Everythings gonna be alright.

I'm going to Dallas tonight and I'll be out of town for a few days, so there won't be an update for a little while. It's been a rough week, but I feel happy and hopeful. And a little curious as to what the future holds for me. I love you guys, talk to you when I get back.

--Will

Sinking in.

I haven't had a great week. Lots of forces working against each other in my life right now. I think I've been battling my demons, but it's so hard to make out the good from the bad. I'm torn between faith in myself and God, and knowing what works. I know that living on faith works, but it's a very hard thing to trust. I've seen it work many times, I've even trusted it many times. But I don't yet understand it. Fear is a lot of my problem. Fear of the unknown. How can one live on what his talents alone provide? How can all the pieces come together just right so that it's possible to live off of my own abilities? And most importantly... Can I handle it? I see it's possibilities, but the unknown permeates it all. I think conquering my problems one small step at a time, has really been the solution all along. But I find it becoming more and more complicated by "possibilities". I could take this small thing that I've done and take it to the next level. I could take this small thing and do it HERE and do it THIS way and it will bring all the success I have longed for. These possibilities are where failure inevitably intervenes.

I don't know, it all sounds like mindless babbling to me. The only thing I do know, is that I started swimming 4 months ago and I could barely finish 10 laps. And now I effortlessly do 50. And I suspect that 4 months from now I will do twice that. And I know that the caricatures will get better too with each month of doing them. And doing comic books and everything else will get better with each month. As long as I'm consistent. But the planning.. and the possibilities are where I keep getting tripped up. Counting the money before it's made, taking the next step before I've finished the first, making plans to do something before my talents are even ready to meet that promise. I'm sabotaging myself with potential. It's a whole way of thinking that I'm having to force myself to change.

Something else I've found. One of the inherent problems with facing your demons, is facing all the consequences and repercussions that you avoided (or ignored) while you were letting convenience (laziness) and fears rule your life. I've had a lot of those consequences come up this week, and I'm afraid they are only the tip of the iceberg. But I find that in facing my problems, I receive more of the tools I need to deal with them. How do I know that? I believe very much in the saying that "God never gives us more than we can handle." And the reason that consequences are surfacing now, is because I'm ready to deal with them. It's painful admitting how wrong I was about some things. It's painful accepting mistakes. But I know in time, I will find complete peace in knowing I've conquered them. And hopefully I can continue on this path until they are all conquered.

I want to find peace in living.

--Will

Now about this song... I wanted to share it with ya'll. It's the song that gives me some of the greatest comfort in my life. I'm not sure why, I can't really explain it. Maybe it's the simplicity of it, or all the memories associated with it, or maybe it's the rousing chant of "Everything's gonna be alright!" in the middle of the song. But whenever I listen to it, I find myself peacefully soaking into my mind and ready to face whatever struggle brought me down to begin with. I found this song again last night, and it brought me back to the surface of my life. Taking in a deep breath of the air I'd been struggling to breathe. It brought me... peace.

No Woman No Cry
Said I remember, when we used to sit.
In the government yard in Trenchtown.
Observing the hypocrites,
as they would mingle with the good people we meet.
Good friends we've had, and good friends we've lost,
...along the way.
In this great future, you can't forget your past.
So dry your tears I say.
No woman, No cry.
No Woman No Cry.
Woman and sister, don't shed no tear
No woman no cry.

Said I remember, when we used to sit,
In the government yard in trenchtown.
and then Georgie would make a fire light
and that wood log would burn in through the night
and we would cook corn meal porridge
of which I'll share with you
My feet... is my only carriage
So I've got to push on through.
But while I'm gone.

Everythings gonna be alright
Everythings gonna be alright
Everythings gonna be alright
Everythings gonna be alright
Everythings gonna BE alright
Everythings gonna be alright

So woman don't cry.

Woman and Sister...
you can dry your weeping eyes
No woman, no cry.

--Bob Marley

Moments like these...

The soft steady beat of a bass guitar plays from the other room. Muffled songs filter down the hall into the bar. Clouds of smoke drift like mist at sea. Colored light paints itself magically over everything. I sit quietly in my booth, drawing and observing the people around me. When I notice her sitting at the bar. I watch as the blue light clings to her milky white skin. Her hair falling in front of her face like a curtain as she seems to sing into her drink. I notice from time to time that she is watching the mirror closely. Her back is to the world, but she is keenly aware of everything around her. I don't think she is waiting for someone. There is too much despair in her slow thoughtful motions. I imagine she is wary of the men prowling around her. That she wished only to be alone, but not alone. I think at any other time she would be a vibrant person. But not tonight. I wonder to myself what her story might be. I can tell she is sad. And it only seems to worsen with each drink of her potent liquid. As though each glass of alcohol was filling her with sadness. Yet I know she must be trying to drown whatever ales her, burying it in dark waves of liquor. She breathes out deeply. Fills her heart with smoke. Then the curtain closes once again. I want to go to her, but I fear I would be just another man. So I draw her in my words. Draw her in my mind.

--Will

Seeing through it all

I just got back from doing my laps at the pool. I did something today while swimming that I've never done before. I looked around. It started somewhere around lap 32, I looked forward and realized that I'd never seen the pool from that angle. I was so used to looking down and following the blue line painted on the bottom of the pool, afraid that if I didn't I might swim diagonally and cause some awful fender-bender in the pool. So I'm looking ahead, and I see the water for the first time. I notice how incredibly blue it is, how clear it is, I can see the far end of the pool. Then I notice the light, and how beautiful the light reflects the ripples on the bottom of the pool. And then I notice how fast I'm going.. haha. I feel power and control over my motions. I feel confidence. Sure there's a bunch of guys swimming faster than me, but I'm swimming faster than myself, faster than I've ever been able to. I feel myself start to smile.

A few laps later I'm still enjoying looking around, and that's when I start to notice the people. They're all regulars, one's that I've seen dozens of times, but I've never given them much thought. First I notice this older lady swimming in the lane to my right, next to the wall. She's nearly 80. But she's here everyday. She slowly swims her mile then quietly leaves. I never see her smile to or talk to anyone. She's just there enjoying the water. I don't think I've ever been here without her swimming. I slow down, pondering what her story might be. Did she grow up swimming, and it reminds her of her childhood? Was she jilted by a lover, or lost her greatest love, and swimming is all there is to take her mind away? No, I think it just makes her feel better. Not just the exercise, but the peace that comes from the inherent silence the water brings.

Which brings us to old-suitcase-man. Suitcase man comes to the pool everyday. He must be 75, he comes in everyday wearing these gawdawful green speedos and a swim cap, towing this wheeled travel case behind him into the pool area. Same thing everyday. He walks up and says something to the lifeguard on duty (doesn't matter which one). She laughs awkwardly, and he walks away. Puts his suitcase by the door and climbs down the stairs into the deep end. Today suitcase decides to talk to the old lady swimmer, she doesn't respond well to it. He mumbles something and then dives back under. Old man starts his little swim routine. A few moments later, the old lady comes back the shallow end of the pool and climbs out. I don't think she likes him much. Then old-suitcase-man stays in the deep end for about 5 minutes, doing what I can only describe as "diving for hidden treasure." Because there was nothing to be found, that I could see. He was over-and-over diving to the bottom, doing somersaults and coming back up for air. I started to wonder if he might be some treasure-hunter like jac Cousteau or something. He comes to the Lubbock YWCA to train for deep-sea diving, and to stay in practice with his suave repertoire' with the ladies. Anyways, he didn't stay long, about 10 minutes total, then he leaves. I get the feeling that he's really lonely, and that most of what he does is to show up. From the hiddentreasure diving to the suitcase and the green speedos. I feel for him.

There's a lot more people that I could talk about. Each more eccentric than the last. But I just realized how long this post was getting. I will say that my swimming seems to be getting better every week. Today was the fourth time in a row that I've swam 50 laps. That's 2/3 of a mile. It's my new minimum. I will never do less than that, no matter what my excuse is. Once I start doing it a little faster I'll probably move up to a mile each time. My ultimate goal is 2 miles in and hour. And then I'll hold it there. Then I'll start working on running and bicycling. Laura and I are planning to enter an iron-man competition sometime early next year.

--Will

Bittersweet

A little light looks through her bedroom window.
And she dances and I dream,
that she's not so far as she seems.
Brighter Meadows melt in the sunset.
Her hair blowing in the breeze.
And she can't see me watching.
And I'm thinking Love...

It' bittersweet.
More sweet than bitter... More bitter than sweet.
It's a bittersweet surrender.

I know I'm older now.
I work in the city. We live together.
But its different than my dream.
Morning light fills the room. I rise.
And she pretends she's sleeping.
Are we everything we wanted?
And I'm thinking Love...

It's bittersweet.
More sweet than bitter... More bitter than sweet.
It's a bittersweet surrender.

I said I know we don't talk about it.
We don't tell each other.
All the little things that we need.
We work our way around each other
As we tremble and we...
As we tremble and we bleed.

It's bittersweet.
More sweet than bitter... More bitter than sweet.
It's a bittersweet surrender.

--Big Head Todd and the Monsters

"Waking up is hard to do..."

Okay, so I'm feeling much more balanced now. I've had a little time to think (and a couple beers). My new gameplan for dealing with these proposals is to go back to my new rule of thumb "Keep it small, Keep it simple -- Follow through." So what I'm going to do are 5-page short stories. All completed art, penciled, inked, lettered and colored. No more of this pitch letter and character design crap. My magic is in my art and storytelling, so I need to focus on that. This 5-page story will basically be an introduction to the series, with jokes, character developement, and a beginning, middle and end. Self-contained, but leading to a bigger story. If five pages doesn't grab them and let them see it will hit their demographic, then I have no business working for them anyways.

Secondly, I went out and made blue-lined copies of some of my penciled pages that I've been neglecting to finish. My excuse was that the inks were fading whenever I erased the penciled art underneathe. And I had to keep re-inking them. I realized today that I've got too many projects laying-around unfinished. Stuff that only needs a handful of pages to wrap up. So I'm going to focus on finishing those this week before I paint and do the submissions. It will be such a relief to get them out of the way. Also I downloaded Corel Painter 8 last night. It's a digital painting program that I'm going to start doing my rough-drafts for my paintings in. I can paint in the computer a thousand times faster than on canvas (thank you lord for color-theory and "edit - undo"), so I'm going to do my rough-drafts quickly in that, then translate them into paint. So there's less thinking involved.

Thirdly, I'm taking out a small loan from my Dad to buy a new airbrush and paints. I've discoverd that I've been using a textile airbrush this whole damn time. It's designed to only be used on t-shirts and fabrics. Thus, the paints are thicker and because of that it's physically impossible to get the clean "illustration" style with the airbrush that I've been striving for. So new airbrush, new types of paints. I know that will make a huge difference in quality. And I think working all this time with that handi-cap has made me a better artist, especially when I start working with the right tools.

As you can see, I'm eliminating my excuses. Excuses are the obstacles we put in front of ourselves to keep us from success. We often fear the thing we want the most. -- William... step away from the soapbox!

--Will

Working around myself

It's been a very emotionally challenging couple of days. I started off so well yesterday, but ended on a very low down note. As the girl at the art-supply store said to me today "I had a sudden rush of extreme exhaustion." I think the down-turn started when I got a message from Disney saying that they're passing on the Pirate story. Which although, I expected, and tried to prepare myself for, still affected me in a big way. They still want to see the rest of my proposals, having really liked what I sent and liked my previous works. So I'm bitching about it, but there's no way I won't follow through on doing it. It's way too good of an opportunity. It may take me a little while to regroup and re-double my efforts, but I always do. My concern is that working in this manner with them is the complete opposite of everything I've been figuring out for myself. Everything I've learned in recent months has told me to start and finish something. Follow through completely. But what I'm supposed to do with Disney, is start lots of little things, in the hopes that one of them will be worth following through on. It's anti-productive. It's too easy to fail, because there are no little victories keeping me going. But like I said, too good to pass up. At least now I know exactly what they're looking for (like the true target audience and genre). I didn't have that to work with before. So, I have two more stories nearly completed and ready to send, I'll finish those and send them out. If it doesn't work out, well... it is what it is.

Unfortunately that wasn't all that brought me down today. Although it was a big flakey chunk of it. Really it was a combination of things, not wanting to do caricatures today, not enough money to start with today, too many happy couples, too many cute girls, and the MALL and having to go fit myself for a wedding tux today. It's like I have a really high-tolerance for pain and emotional stress, but once I get to that break-point, it's nothing but free-fall from there out. Luckily there's Chinese food, and cute girls, and making lots more money than I expected today, and finally getting a modicum of control over the airbrush and... tomorrow. I really do see things getting better. I bought more artboard so I can practice painting again this week. I see HUGE potential for income with doing caricatures. And I noticed I didn't look so bad in those evil mall mirrors. At least better than I did last year. So I'm moving forward, using all my breath. You see my ship still stands no matter what you drop and there aint a whole lot that you can do. Sure the banner may be town and perhaps I've grown a little cynical. But I know, no matter what the waitress brings I shall drink it and always be full. So all I can do is pour some tea for two, and speak my point of view. It will all come back to me, gonna get what I deserve. Lovin' that's what I got.... hmmm. Time for a nap.

--Will

CORNspiracy!!!

You guys thought I was crazy ranting about high fructose corn-syrup making us fat. Well HA!!! It turns out I may be RIGHT!!!

--Will

In between the moon and you.

I sit on the stoop with my arms crossed across my knees. I struggle to clear all thoughts from my mind and listen to the rustle of leaves and the soft breeze. Street lights dance throughout the trees, casting shadows across the darkened street. The moon shines over me like the grin of a Cheshire cat and I can hear whistling somewhere off in the distance. And a nightsinger bird, charming his lonely world with soft bristling melodies. We're all cut from the same cloth he says to me. You the moon and me. We live by the night of the world, we long for our beautiful sun to come, but we're never around when she is there. He says that he's seen me before somewhere. Another time, another place. He tells me that nothing much has changed. In between the moon and I, float billowy clouds, bloated and grey with someone else's rain. The moon plays hide and seek with me, peeking out from time to time, flashing his playful grin. He seems happy to see me tonight. I lean back to take in the sky, and for a moment I try to remember just how many times I've seen the stars. Then I smell the coffee's done, so I go back in, back to work again.

--Will

Getting Comfortable

Comfortability is a big problem with me. I've always been reluctant to do certain things because I wasn't comfortable with them. And at the same time I was reluctant to change certain aspects of my life because I was too comfortable. It takes a real commitment to be able to change those things. And a conscious decision to choose my comfort zones. Doing caricatures is one of those, because I never felt comfortable doing it. It was always stressful because I wasn't skillful enough in the way I wanted to be and I was reluctant to do the work to change that. Same thing with exercise and painting and dating and a dozen other things in my life. So a lot of what I'm doing these days is forcing myself to do things that I don't like because I know they're good for me and that eventually I will grow to be comfortable doing them. In the same way that I know that some of the stuff I'm comfortable with now, are not good for me. I guess that's what maturity is really about. Making conscious, healthy decisions even if you're not comfortable with them.

So anyways, on an unrelated note (or maybe it is related after all). I went down to the Lubbock Garden & Arts Center and signed up to teach summer classes. Five of them actually. It's been nearly three years since the last time I taught and geez have I grown since then. I taught for nearly five years before that and I look back at it and think of all the kids I must have screwed up with what I didn't know, haha. Oh well, I hope that I at least taught them to have fun doing it. Anyways I ran into this guy named Chad that runs "On Q" the alternative art gallery here in town. He was signing up to teach some summer classes himself. And I talked to him a little bit about renting out the art gallery for a show of my own stuff. The funny thing is that I started painting again last night. Really painting, with real paint even. I haven't painted in years but it's been on my mind perpetually since January that I am going to learn to paint well and do an art show this year with all new artwork. In fact they're numbers 6 and 7 on my goal list this year (1/28/04). Come to think of it teaching art classes again was number 14 on that list. It's funny how putting goals down in words suddenly makes them more real. I swear to god that stuff is happening in my life to force me to finish those goals. The universe is conspiring in every way to help me achieve them. It's fascinating when you really think about it. I guess that's what it means when they say "Ask and you shall receive."

--Will

Fragments for March 20, 2004.

Here's another Fragment scene. The fragment meme is done by taking 3 random Fragment sentences and incorporating a story around them. The fragments are in bold.

I'm doing something a little different with this fragment. I'm working on a larger story, and this is one small scene from that story. I'm just trying to feel out the characters and figure out where I want it to go.

The life he knew was over. It was tough to wrap the words around the thought in his mind. That all he had known and loved for the last 7 years was gone. Friends, love, routine.. comfort. But he was here because he was needed. He stares out the window watching people walk past his parked car and he leans back in his seat. His hand rests on the steering wheel as a song finishes playing on the radio. The song plays in the background of his mind as he ponders the unknown path that lay before him. His mother was dying, his father was distant and over-worked. Nothing was right. Nothing was the same. He did what any loving son would do in this situation, he dropped his life on the coast and came home. Despite it being the home he had never really known.

Suddenly he realizes that the song has stopped and a commercial blares disturbing him from thought. He leaves the car and enters a small cafe on the corner of a busy street. It's a beautiful little shop, with bright vibrant colors. It stands out against the dirt and rust that dominates this town. He'd been coming here every few days since he first came to town 3 weeks ago. He doesn't even like the coffee. But the first day he came to town he came here to get away from the stress at the house. And the girl working behind the counter gave him the sweetest smile. It almost made him forget about his troubles. So he finds himself coming back just to see her smile. The things we do to escape what saddens us. He never talks to her, just enjoys the smile. Maybe one day he will tell her what it means to him. But not now. He doesn't want her thinking about it any more than he wants to be thinking about it. He sits by the window and sips the coffee. He wonders if after a few more weeks he would no longer notice the awful taste. Suddenly he finds himself smiling into his cup. Finding amusement in realzing that most things in his life these days are bittersweet.

--Will

Learning Curves

I'm starting to understand a little better what it means to have order in my life. I wake up each morning now and I am at Zero, there is no negative balance to account for, and anything I do that is productive pays off right away. Whatever I do is already successful because the problems are already dealt with. I feel great now right after getting out of bed. It's such a great way to start the day.

I was talking to my friend Luis tonight and he mentioned something he's discovered lately that really put things in perspective for me. He was wondering what it was he was really working for. If he makes his millions (which is similar to what I was wanting up till a few weeks ago) he plans to do what? Nothing! He wants to be able to sit around and do nothing. And I started to realize that I had a very similar thinking. I wanted to work hard so that some day I could stop working. But when I finally put that into context with the fact that I get miserably upset and depressed when I do nothing, I discovered that like Luis I've been setting myself up for a bad time. The irony is that lately I've started shifting my view of personal rewards. My reward system has mostly been based on what other people think of me. I do enough artwork to keep people visiting my site. I do enough work to produce a comic for a convention. I do enough to say that I've been doing something. But not enough to truly be successful. And in all of those instances it's so easy to fail, because if people don't respond the way I envision, then the reward falls flat on its ass.

My reluctance with doing caricatures had a lot to do with that flawed reward system. I have this uncanny ability to track and estimate the amount of money that I can make at each show. I could often do that with my comic books too. But the problem was that with the caricatures my skills weren't at the level needed to do it professionally. So the traffic was there and the estimates would have been right, except it took 1,000 times too long for me to meet the demand. So it was perpetual frustration. Both at the loss of revenue and at my lack in skill. So this time around I'm keeping it simple, I'm charging half what I normally would and I'm shying away from estimating profits. Instead my reward is learning the craft, and perfecting it. At some point I will be at the speed that I need and the skill required to meet the demand, and at that point I can start estimating profit margins again. But I have to put in the time first and set the proper rewards to motivate myself. I'm thinking on a daily basis now instead of a monthly or yearly one. I'll be a millionaire "one minute" at a time.

This discipline stuff isn't too hard. It's all about actively living each day. And doing it for the right reasons.

--Will

Swimming Today

I discovered something today while I was swimming. Last week I mentioned the economy of motions. Today I learned to take it a step further. There is only one motion, the arms move like the pedals on a bi-cycle, connected in the center they pivet but remain straight. Suddenly I'm moving through the water faster than ever and with far less effort. Today I swam nearly a mile, twice as many laps as I have ever done. It was so simple that it felt like I was cheating. It's incredible.

--Will

Signs and Symbolysm

It's funny, I was talking yesterday about learning to follow through and gain self-discipline. And right after I write that a friend of mine points out that in my Personology guide, those problems are listed as my major weakness and fixing them is essential for me to succede. Anyways, I retyped my personology bio to put up here, so that I have it for future reference after I give the book back to Luey. I think it describes my personality dead-on. Theres nothing in it that I disagree with (as much as I'd sometimes like to). Especially my weaknesses, all of which I'm working hard to contain. It's so wierd to see it all there in black and white. If you know me personally, you'll prolly see a lot of the similarities. Let me know if you actually read this and what you guys think. By the way... if you're my soul-mate... um... drop me an email or something.

Excerpted from -- The power of Birthdays, Stars & Numbers: The complete personology reference guide. By Saffi Crawford and Geraldine Sullivan.

October 25th. Scorpio

Charismatic and dynamic, with powerful emotions, you are an ambitious and determined Scorpio who expects a great deal from life. Full of enthusiasm and a spirit of enterprise, you are imaginative and enjoy thinking on a grand scale. Highly intuitive, with analytical abilities, you have many interests and are usually involved in some venture or undertaking. A tendency to be impulsive, however, suggests that self discipline and concentration are essential components in your formula for success.

The subinfluence of your decanate ruler, Scorpio, implies that your restless desire to accomplish compels you to find different modes of expression. Although sensual, you are fond of power, and you want to excel through the use of your cerebral capabilities. Your ability to overcome obstacles suggests that you can rejuvenate yourself and start all over again when necessary.

Although at times your discerning thoughts and reproach can overwhelm others, your ability to comprehend situations intuitively implies that you can also be sympathetic and understanding. As a sensitive individual, you often seek to express yourself artistically. Usually attractive and graceful, with an ability to make yourself popular, you have a flair for social interactions.

Before the age of twenty-seven, you are concerned with issues regarding your deep feelings and personal power. At the age of twenty-eight, when your progressed sun moves into Sagittarius, there is a turning point that highlights optimism and a growing need for freedom and expanding your horizons, whether through your philosophy of life, education, or travel. Another turning point occurs at the age of fifty-eight, when your progressed Sun moves into Capricorn. This is likely to bring a more down-to-earth, sensible, and security-conscious approach to life.

Your Secret Self

With a strong sense of individuality and independence, as well as a spirit of enterprise, you can use your ambition to propel you into action and ensure that your big plans are successful. Being intelligent and possessing personal magnetism, you can be highly persuasive and have the gift of dealing easily with people from all walks of life. As a quick learner, you constantly seek new ideas and knowledge and are good at getting your own ideas across in an entertaining way.

An inner restlessness needs to be channeled into creative productivity, or it may cause you to become impatient and dissatisfied. By actively involving yourself in work or projects that keep your interest, you can avoid boredom and keep your ideals and spirit of adventure alive. Travel can often be a significant factor in expanding your horizons.

Work and Vocation

With your shrewd intelligence and the ability to think big, once you are really focused and determined you are capable of outstanding achievement in any field. With your charismatic personality and a natural flair for captivating people, you can do well in public-related occupations. Your sharp intellect can also help you succeed in science or education but you may prefer to use your creative skills in art, drama, or music. Alternatively, being ambitious with organizational skills and leadership ability, you can succeed in management, or business. Needing work that gives you as much freedom as possible, you may prefer to work for yourself.

Famous people who share your birthday include painter Pablo Picasso, violinist Midori, basketball coach Bobby Knight, composers Johann Strauss and Georges Bizet and writer Harold Brodkey.

Numerology

You are quick and energetic, though intuitive and thoughtful. As a number 25 individual, you need to express yourself through different experiences. These may include new and exciting ideas, people, or locations. A desire for perfection urges you to work hard and be productive. You may, however, need to be less impatient and critical if things do not happen according to plan. As a number 25 person, you possess strong mental energies that when concentrated aid you to look at all the facts and arrive at a conclusion faster than anyone else. Success and happiness come when you learn to trust your own instincts and develop perseverance and patience. The subinfluence of the number 10 month indicates that although you are independent and charismatic, you need to enjoy your great inner power and be in control. Determined and penetrating vision, you possess strong ambition and usually find ways to meet challenges or overcome obstacles. As a stubborn and tenacious individual with the power to heal others, you are fiercely loyal and never give up.

Positives: highly intuitive, perfectionist, perceptive, creative mind, good at dealing with people.

Negatives: impulsive, impatient, irresponsible, overly emotional, jealous, secretive, changing circumstances, critical, moody.

Love and relationships

Being active and dynamic yourself, in personal relationships you may favor strong, intelligent and hardworking people who enjoy challenges or are in positions of authority. With your charm and sensitivity, you can make others feel secure and special. Sociable and hardworking you like to entertain and often mix business and pleasure. When you feel in a generous mood, you can make magnanimous gestures of kindness and goodwill. Responsible and practical, you prefer order and planning for the future.

Compatibility dates

Love & Friendship
Jan. 2, 3, 6, 9, 10, 11, 17, 21, 27, 31,
Feb. 1, 4, 7, 9, 25, 29,
Mar. 2, 5, 7, 13, 17, 23, 27,
Apr. 3, 5, 15, 21, 25,
May. 1, 3, 13, 19, 23, 20,
June 1, 11, 17, 21, 28,
July 5, 9, 15, 19, 26, 29,
Aug. 7, 13, 17, 24, 27,
Sept. 5, 11, 15, 22, 25,
Oct. 3, 9, 13, 20, 23,
Nov. 1, 7, 11, 18, 21, 30,
Dec. 5, 9, 16, 19, 28

Beneficial
Jan. 11, 16, 30,
feb. 9, 24, 28,
Mar. 7, 22, 26,
Apr. 5, 20, 24,
May 3, 18, 22, 31,
June 1, 16, 20, 29,
July 14, 18, 27,
Aug. 12, 16, 25,
Sept. 10, 14, 23,
Oct. 8, 12, 21, 29,
Nov. 6, 10, 19, 27,
Dec. 4, 8, 17, 25,

Fatal Attractions
April 22, 23, 24, 25,

Challenging
Jan. 15,
Feb. 13,
Mar. 11,
Apr. 9,
May 7, 30,
June 5, 28,
July 3, 26,
Aug. 1, 24,
Sept. 22,
Oct. 20, 30,
Nov. 18, 28,
Dec. 16, 26,

Soul Mates:
Jan. 9, 29,
Feb. 7, 27,
Mar. 5, 25,
Apr. 3, 23,
May 1, 21,
June 19,
July 17,
Aug. 15,
Sept. 13,
Oct. 11,
Nov. 9,
Dec. 7,

Living the loving life. Come with me my lovely wife.

I had a party tonight in my little house. My best friend Brandon and his lovely bride-to-be Jennifer are off to San Antonio in the morn to be wed. So tonight we (myself and every one that's known and loved this wonderful pair (that I could get ahold of)) had a little bachelor/bachelorette party to celebrate them gettin hitched. I had so much fun tonight. Lots of laughing and good friends and beer. I'm proud to have such an eclectic group of friends. We're a wierd silly lot. But it makes for lots of playful fun. My thanks to everyone that came! I hope you had as much fun as I did and I think Mr and Mrs BAdkins really enjoyed it too I wish you two all the love and happiness in the world.

--Will

Ah... sweet, sweet satisfaction!

My quest for order is complete. The last box has been boxed, the last file filed. Every square inch dusted, polished and sheened. And every thing has a place. My house is now in order. I've disposed of the superfluous, the useless and especially the bad reminders. I cannot describe well enough the feeling of peace I now have. It's somewhere between hope and excitement, but too magical to give to words. I woke up today with confidence that I have not felt in ages. I think that will be a regular thing from now on. I look around the house and I know exactly where everything belongs and if something slips out of place I quickly know how to correct it.

The next step is to create order in my actions. It feels more complicated than step one, but I think in the end it is merely an extension of creating order in my house. Meaning, I will feel out of place if my actions are not in order, if the routine is not being followed. I realized a month ago that the crucial weak link in every endeavor I've ever tried, was that I was not following through. Not in any of these huge projects I was attempting, and especially not in the little everyday stuff, like cooking and cleaning and exercise. How is it possible to follow through on anything major if I can't even feed myself on a daily basis? So this will change, and in a sense it already has. I've cooked dinner nearly every night for 3 months. That's now a routine, it's also the first real "discipline" I've known. It also goes along with doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen. I don't start cooking until the dishes are unloaded, and I don't leave the kitchen after eating till the dishes are back in the washer. Simple but routine. I can't believe that's discipline! It's so simple. Why couldn't I learn that 10 years ago?

Anyways, every other action will be designed in this same manner. Wake up, breakfast, workout, shower, lunch, draw, dinner, draw.... Same routine every day until it becomes a discipline. Knowing what to do and when to do it.

I really think this is the thing that's held me back from success all these years. I'm looking forward to a year from now, and seeing if the success comes as easily as I expect it to. I have everything else it takes, talent, passion, skill, connections... but this is the one I lack... discipline.

--Will

Economy of Motions

Can you believe that I'm in my 20th week of working out? It seems like just last week I was bitching about not being able to breathe while swimming.. haha. It's amazing how much I've improved with my swim strokes, I'm really starting to love the feeling of moving through the water. Tonight I was thinking about how I've changed, and how it's kind of a metaphor for life. When I first started into this swim routine I was flopping around like a dead fish (dead fish don't flop william) and I swear to God I could have crawled faster on land. So what's changed? Well, I've learned to create an economy of motion. I use only a handful of movements, compared to the gagillion or so before. I have a perfect form that I try to maintain and there are only 2 movements for each of those forms. Up and down. Arms are straight, up then down. Legs are straight, up then down. Torso twists, left and right. Head rotates to breathe every 4th beat. Same time everytime. It's still not perfect. I don't have any form for flipping to go back the other direction and I still get too conscious of my breathing sometimes. But there are times where my mind is soOOo clear. I'm not thinking at all, I'm just feeling the water rush past me. It's the same place that I go when I'm drawing. No thinking, just feeling the lines move across the page. It's all instincts and experience.

Anyways, I picked up the weights again tonight. I stopped two weeks ago to regroup and I'm starting up again now. I'm actually beginning the weight program completely over. I'll feel better if I have all the little numbers in their little boxes the way they're supposed to be. And as far as the diet goes, I don't want to jinx it, but it's pretty much in auto-pilot now. I cook food every night and it's almost always healthy. And best of all, there's hardly any fast food. I'm very conscious about what I put in my body now and it's becoming habitual. In fact none of my pants have fit me for months now, and I'm enjoying the regular ritual of punching new holes in my belt buckles. And I'm getting more and more comments about how thin I've gotten. That feels good. So at this point I'm still on track for looking good for the beach during San Diego Comic-Con this summer.

--Will

Your trying my patience child...

Things didn't go nearly as well at the market today. It started with me getting a peediddly 4 hours of sleep on top of the no sleep yesterday and then I waked up late (that's right - waked!!). Then on the way to the market I learned that my drawing desk apparently has suicidal tendancies, for he lept from my truck and barreled into oncoming traffic. It did something similar yesterday. I know you're thinking "Well why doesn't the dumbass tie it down or something?!" Well screw you for thinking that, because I did tie it down, and that's why it dragged behind me a good 10 - 20 feet. My desk hates itself. Sigh. It turns out it's not that bad, the wheels are all broken, but I never liked them anyways, and the table top only fastens on one side, and it keeps flopping around any time I touch it. So I should fix that.

So after I get to the market and get everything set up and sit down I realize, "It's fucking cold today!" And apparently all the other vendors thought that too because there was only a handful of other vendors outside today. Like 10 out of 50, I'm starting to think we were the retarded portion of the group. No customers till 3. I pack up and go home early. Grumpy and sleepy (me not the dwarves) and my suicidal desk. I can still hear him softly sobbing in the back room. Do they make mood stablizers for furniture? "New Pledge - now with prozac!"

Overall I think this was a good weekend. I know what I've got to work on for next weekend. And I've got 3 weeks till the next Trade days, so I've got till then to become ninjacal with the airbrush. But not tonight, I've got my beer, got my tools and an unstable drawing surface to deal with.

Actually... screw that I'm going to Denny's and hang out with some friends for a little bit. I deserve a break. Then I'm coming home and I'm going to crash out.

Tonight... I sleep... till I'm done!

--Will

Friends and Marriage

I had a lot of fun tonight, I went to see Kill Bill finally at the $2 dollar theater. Great movie, lots of fun... lots of fun. I actually already want to go see it again. It reminded me of Lone Wolf and Cub or Fists of Fury. Lots of fun, with crazy silly plots. Anyways, I went with Brandon and Jenn, two of my best friends. They're getting married in one week... wow... one week. I'm very happy for them. anyways, they're headed down to San Antonio to stay at a B&B on the river walk, and they're getting married by the in-house minister soon after they get there and then they'll spend the next 10 days on honeymoon. I think that's how it should be, the honey moon should be more important than the wedding. It's the commitment and the connection that two people share that matters, not the ceremony for everyone else. You should spend as much time together after a wedding just being, understanding and planning together. I think far too many people focus on something that only lasts a few moments and you barely remember it anyways. At least that's how it's been at every wedding I've ever been to. But to each their own. Then again my other close friends Luis and Maria are getting married in TWO weeks... and I think that a wedding really is perfect for them. For one I think Luis' family will be finally glad to see it happen.. hehe... sorry luey, but it's true. And Maria, well she's never had much in the way of close families and you don't get much closer than Luey's... I think it will be really good for her, and them. So... to each their own.

Yeeesh!!! I just realized I'm almost out of single friends... hmmm... nope, they're engaged... nope he's head over heals... hmmm... nope, bad relationship but tuffing it out.... um... we think he's gay... God am I the only single person in this God-forsaken town!!! Please lord don't let it be so. Sigh. I need to go to bed. Too much thinking not enough sleep makes my brains hurt.

--Will

Here's some more caricature samples from last season. One is Buffy and the other is my sister Heather, who by the way everyone is 7 1/2 months preagnant. She looks so cute... like a little upside down light bulb.

What a day, what a day.

I'll make this short because I haven't been to sleep in a couple days. I laid awake all night with my mind racing about today and the months to come. I got up at 8 and went down to set up my booth. All went pretty well, until around 10 when I realized I'd forgotten to bring any paper to draw on... haha. So I headed home and grabbed some bristol and decided to go ahead and bring up my airbrush and compressor, just to get back into the practice of using it. It turned out to be a good thing. I really needed the practice. My drawings, as was the case before, are good and really look like the people, and I can do them quickly - about 3 minutes per person - but the airbrush is still the bane of my existence. The first one took 30 minute to color (Gah!) and I had about 20 old hispanic men walk up queringly to ask me how much the compressor was for sale for? Apparently I was so bad at this that they thought I was here to sell compressors. Sigh. It took me about 3 drawings to remember that you have to really crank up the PSI for an airbrush, so that the air actually moves fast enough to get the paint where you want it to go, instead of sneezing embarrasingly all over the page. I'm writing down all the things I forgot to remember so that I never forget to remember them again.

Anyways, as the day went by things got better. i started hearing more parents say stuff like "he really captured her eyes" or "Oh my God it looks just like her." So that's always a good sign that I'm on the right track. And somewhere around 2 or 3 o'clock things started to really click again and the rest of the day went pretty well, very well actually. I not only broke even and recouped my costs, I actually made a profit of $30 bucks. Not bad, especially considering I lost money my first three outings last go-round. I expect to make a $100 tomorrow after expenses. And then I expect it will average out at about a hundred a day for this flea market. I'm happy with that, mainly because I'm not even charging full price. It will take me a while to get to where I feel comfortable and professional with doing this, so I don't mind playing it low-key till then. But in the long run it will be well worth it. I suspect with the flea market and Post old mill trade days I'll be averaging about $1,000 a month for these first few months. Not bad for 2 days a week.

I want to thank all of you that came out today. Oh and Happy birthday Adrienne, hope you liked your picture, and say hey to Frank for me. And I especially want to thank Sara for helping to kick my ass in gear for this. Sometimes we all need a swift boot to the rear to remember what's important. Anyone else that's interested (in visiting me, not kicking me in the ass cheeks), I'll be out there again tomorrow. It's at the Clovis Highway Flea Market. I'm outside in the aisle between the two buildings. I'll be the one covered in paint and frustration.

--Will

Tidal Wave

My friends lovingly joke that I'm like a tidal wave when it comes to working with - or loving - me. And the sad part is that they are probably not far off. The tidal wave; too much to be contained by the ocean, leaps from the sea, reaching out for the shore. Wanting to share itself so badly with the world, with such power and enthusiasm that it crashes down upon them. Often scaring them off or overwhelming them so much that they nearly drown. I have great passion and intensity for those I love, and for what I do. But it's a power often misunderstood and unfortunately often beyond my control. I'm slowly learning to temper my passions, I'm trying to contain the overpowering flame, and use it to burn slowly through the nights. Instead of consuming everything in it's path. I've found myself having to heed my own advice. "Keep it simple, keep it small." After the crash and burn that was last summer, I find myself cautiously crawling out of my cave, peeking around the corners, trying slowly to move back into the world.

I find myself surprisingly nervous about tomorrow. I mean it's only the flea market for chrissakes. But I guess it's really more than that. I haven't put myself out there since the studio. I've been too worn and weary to live on the faith it takes to be self-employed. And I sure as hell haven't done an event like this for more than a year. Of course, it was such a stressful thing back then, even though, by the 4th month of the season I was starting to feel like a pro. Knocking out 7 or 8 drawings an hour. I think I did about 250 caricatures throughout the whole season. Not bad for an amatuer. So I'm starting small. I'm only doing black and white this weekend, no airbrush, no big display, no professional signs or gimmicks. Just me, my desk and the public. I'll keep doing it this way until it feels like the right time to take the next step. My hope is that by the time the fair season starts up again this summer I will be doing 50 - 100 drawings a day, and hopefully earn enough in those 3 months to last the next year. But like I said... I need to start following my own advice. "Keep it small, keep it simple." Keep bumbling to perfection.

--Will

Possible Country Song.

Forever would've been a long time.

All the lines have been crossed
All the ships've been tossed.
All the crosses bared
Not that I ever cared.

Forever would've been a really long time.

All the winds have been spat in
All the shit has hit the fan
All the dares have been dared
Not that I ever cared.

Forever would've been a really long time.

You told me you'd be there forever
Then you leave with my golden retreiver
I hope that he leaves her.
Forever would've been a REALLY long time.

I don't know... It needs some work, but It was just fun to write. Not about anyone in particular by the way, just for fun. Anyways, whattaya think?

--Will

Speaking of Segues...

Vivid dreams flood my mind as I slip steadily to wake. The first thing I notice is how beautiful the light is in my room. I destroyed my blinds last night while cleaning, so in it's place, I put up a thin green silk-sheet to block out the day. But instead it filtered beautiful soft green light throughout the room. It felt like walking in a forest through mist and all the imagery that entails. Today, waking up was special, it's not always that way. Today I felt purpose from the moment my eyes were opened. The universe softly nudged me awake, because the day was too big to wait for me. I love feeling purpose. I love feeling needed, and that's how I've felt all day. And I haven't had that in a really long time.

I started the day by sleepily returning a call from a friend needing a ride. I drove her and her 5 year old daughter to where they needed to go. I think every person should have the privilege of being friends with a child. The innocence and laughter that they remind us is in ourselves cannot be matched by anything. The reward I get from making a little kid laugh is worth more than any book I've ever published or painting I've ever sold. I look forward to waking up to my own giggling offspring some day. Some day... but probably not some day soon. But it was a wonderful way to begin my day. I feel at peace now. I know it's only temporary. But I find stength in the lessons I've learned the last few months, and it feels like there is much more peace on the way.

There's only a handful of things that need to be finished with organizing my home. But the designs are all completed. There's no thinking left to be done. The relief that brings to me is immeasurable. I've felt crippled so many times these last 4 months because there was so much I had to do... before I could even begin. It can be so overwhelming. And now, with a couple nights of work, it's all done. And all I have to do from now on is maintain it. I don't know why it took me so long to understand this simple way. I'm glad I didn't move to San Diego when I was hoping to. I think learning all this about myself would have been so much harder there. But if the rest of the year goes as well as the first part has, then I should be more than ready to take on that whole new world.

--Will

Our secret Carnival.

She danced.. her thin skirt lept up the length of her thigh as she twirls across the floor. Blue light clings to her pale white skin. Her body flows to the pulse of the song. Then she looks at me and grins. Suddenly her hand's in mine and she pulls me onto the floor. She is confidence, she is sex... she is seduction. Her hips sway in my hands with motions no other man has ever known. Her eyes are closed and her smile's wide and only I know what it means. Neither man nor woman can take their sight from her. But she sees only me, the look of love in her eyes. She knows my thoughts, she knows my skin, every look and laugh, a secret game played within. No one ever knew, no one ever saw, that every move was just for me. Our secret Carnival.

--Will

Progress report

I got a lot done today. I finished getting the studio set up last night, and tonight my friend Sara and I got almost every piece of excess in my house removed or put in it's place. We've been through all the closets, the kitchen, my bedroom and the studio. I'm throwing tons away and creating order everywhere I can. Another day or two of this and everything will be set. I will have nothing left that I don't actually use. Then I'll start into my routines.

By the way, I'll be at the flea market on Clovis Hwy this weekend doing caricatures, if anyone in the Lubbock area wants to come by to get one drawn. I'll probably spend the next few weeks at the flea market getting back into the groove again before I start doing fairs and festivals again.



--Will

Chaos, Order and Discipline

Wow! Big breakthrough tonight in how to live a better life. I'm starting to understand better the role that Chaos and Order are supposed to play in someones life. I've always thought that Chaos was something bad and that Order was some ellusive gift that only came to those that were strong of will and blessed with discipline. And it turns out that I was right. And I was also wrong.

Order is the route of success... it's a good thing. Chaos comes when things are not in Order. Maintaning Order creates Discipline. Chaos defines Discipline... that's new to me. My problem is that I've gotten so good at ignoring chaos that it's been resigned to white noise somewhere in the back of my mind. I am so adept at not letting chaos bother me or effect my emotional well-being that it's ruining my life. If I have a bill due, it's no big deal. I can ignore it and keep working. If my room is cluttered, it's no big deal. Ignore, keep working. If there's a deadline getting too close, not a prob... it won't affect my emotional well-being. This has been the route of all my failures. It's also the route of my lack-luster productivity. What I'm coming to realize, is that chaos is bad, but it is a good thing. It's the warning that something is out of Order, and that I need to put it back in Order. Because Order is the route of success. I cannot emphasize enough how many things in my life have been affected by not understanding this dicotomy.

So what am I doing to change this? Number one I am creating Order in my life. Starting with putting my house in Order. Tonight I rearranged all of the furniture in my studio and I've removed ALL of the stacks and boxes of clutter. The only things left in my studio are permanent tools and fixtures. And everything has a permanent place. And the idea is that anytime I use something it will go back to it's permanent place. Otherwise my mind will recognize it as Chaos, and from now on, Chaos means to me that something is not in Order, and before my mind can rest I must fix that problem. Then I'll move on to each room in my house and do the same thing. The next step will be to create Order with my routine. Each day I have to shower, exercise, cook and draw. If I do not do those things I will recognize it as Chaos and want to change it. That is the beginning of discipline.

I can see very far down the line how this will help change my life for the better. This has held me back in so many ways. I can remember at different times in my life, developing routines like drawing so that I'd feel guilty if I skipped a day. Same thing with working out. But I've never understood it as a whole, that Chaos is the thing I should be listening to and using it to gauge what I need to do.

--Will

Fragments for March 6, 2004.

Here's another Fragment scene. The fragment meme is done by taking 3 random Fragment sentences and incorporating a story around them. The fragments are in bold.

The full moon light, blue and magical, casts shadows all around her as she sits awkwardly on the park bench. Her throat is tight, and her heart is scared and she waits calm and cautiously for him to speak. From time to time she steals looks from the ground up to his pale blue eyes. The swish of trees circle around them like voices in a crowded room. Her arms are wrapped tightly around her stomach as though trying to protect herself from harm. He'd been acting strangely for days. He's been all shy glances, jittery hands and nervous laughter. Not his normal ways. And here now, sitting next to her, the strangeness grew exponentially. His eyes struggle to meet hers. His heart noticeably racing. His mind entirely lost away. Why was he so nervous? What was it she had done? What could take him so far from her?

She looks up to the sky to keep the tears from falling. She watches the clouds swirl around the warm blue bowl of stars. He gave her love, and he did that without want or thought of himself. Did she let his love go unnoticed? Did she not give enough? Suddenly he clears his throat and she looks over to him. Ready for it all to end. She closes her eyes tightly, and unfolds her arms to ready for whatever lay before her. A soft breeze blows her hair across her face and she notices the smell of roses on the air. Suddenly she opens her eyes and finds his hand on her thigh... and he on one knee.

"I've... got a question for you." he says softly, his voice cracking slightly with emotion.

Suddenly she sees a lifetime of love in his eyes. She can't help but smile. He smiles back. Then there are words like "Loving you is everything to me and it's all I want to do..." And "Why should I give anything but everything to you?" Then a ring, a promise and a dream and everything her heart had ever feared to hope for. She simply wanted to open the moment and crawl inside forever. Tears fall like wishes from a falling star and then... he takes her hand, and walks her back home. Leaving the trees and the moon and the stars to remember his very important question.

"Some day somebody's gonna ask you... a question that you should say yes to... once in your life. Baby tonight... I've got a question for you." Question - Old 97's

--Will

Full moon.

The moon is full. You can tell by the way that everything has subtilely changed. It was a good night. Things changed tonight. Lots of things in me have changed tonight. But the change was bigger than anytime that I can remember. It was a night full of epiphanies and discoveries and honest introspection. I discovered discipline, true discipline, not the fairweather dedication I've been practicing. I've known for a long time that I don't do near as much work as I can handle. And tonight I realized that the work I do do is only to keep a balance. I draw enough to keep stuff on the website, just to keep my traffic coming in. And I write enough on here so that there's a reason for people to come back again. But I don't do anything unless there is a requirement for me to do so. This is where my lack of discipline comes from. I don't make commitments to do work, because I am a man of my word and if I give my word to work then it becomes something I "have" to do. So I've gotten really good at not having any commitments. I don't have many financial commitments anymore or for that matter hardly any reason for me to get out of bed. I work, and am reasonably productive, but nowhere near where I could be and used to be. This is not the way for me to succede.

So my realization is that I need to make commitments. I need to "have" to do things, because that leads to discipline and routine. And that is what is sorely lacking in my life right now. So starting next weekend I'm going to start doing caricatures again. On top of my regular art chores. First few weeks at the flea market, then Old Mill trade days then possibly the mall. But it's a "have" to do thing now. I have to do it every weekend. And after a few weeks it will become routine. I've discovered that the route of successful discipline is found in creating order. But not in the way I always thought it was. The order comes first, meaning everything needs it's place. But the discipline comes from "requiring of yourself" to put everything back in order after you are done. This goes with tasks as well. The task has to be put in order before you move onto the next. This is the route of discipline.

I know this all sounds so basic... so simple. But tonight, to me, it was a brilliant realization.

I have this amazing ability to adapt and "put up" with a lot. Right now I am so committed to my career that I live in abject poverty. I tell myself I'm only suffering so that I can focus on my work. But I know that's a load of crap because I don't do near as much work now as when I had a lot of other things required of me. But I put up with it because I can get away with it. Because doing better lately has not been "required" of me. Ever since I closed the studio I have accepted lower standards for myself. It may have much to do with dealing with the rejection that came along with that. But I can't use that as an excuse any longer. I don't do hardly anything, simply because I don't have to. The problem is that I am unchallenged. And staying unchallenged for a long amount of time, leads to depression from lack of pride of self. Suddenly being able to put up with crap is not the amazing talent I once though it was. Suddenly working a 9 - 5 has a method to it's madness. Suddenly being productive and disciplined has a whole new meaning to me. So we'll see in the next few weeks how these new found ideas are put into action.

--Will

Endings and Beginnings...

I think the translation gets lost somewhere inside me. Somewhere between dream and reality. Somewhere where words become action. The action loses it's purpose and the words lose their meaning.

Dreams are hopeless that way. You can never really remember them completely, and anytime you try they never feel the same. And the cruelest of all jokes is that the more you slip away from them the more you forget what they mean.

So I sit on the step in front of my house and I draw in the dirt with a stick in my hand and try to remember how I got here. There used to be fire burning in this engine.. but now all there is is smoke. There used to be passion behind the drive... but now all there is is doubt. I find for the first time in a lifetime that I question what I really love. What is really important and what I really want. Who do I work for and why does it really matter? These are things in my head that go on and on endlessly then scatter.

I often get my endings and my beginnings mixed up. Sometimes when things go wrong, or things end. It takes me a long time to realize that its really just beginning. Sometimes when things are sad or things hurt. It takes me a long time to realize that it's getting better. The answers don't always come quickly for me, but they always seem to come. I just have to remember to begin where things end. There used to be fear here... but now all there is is hope. There used to be questions here... but now I know it will all work out.

--Will

Walk-aways

Lonliness seems to find me more and more these days. She is my mistress in the night. She waits outside my door until I'm alone. Then sneaks into my room and wraps her arms around me when I'm not looking. She holds me late into the night and whispers in my weary ear. Saying all the things that she knows I want to hear. Lonliness hangs on my every word. She is gentle and seductive. And I know that she wants me. She is tireless in her pursuit of my heart. And I know that she is loyal. For if I allowed it, Lonliness would never leave me. She's all the things one could want in a lover, which is what makes it so hard to make her leave.

But Lonliness is not kind, she is selfish and demanding. She fills my cup with sadness, and has me drink into the night. She bathes me in self-pity, then lays me down beneathe her blanket of doubt. And I know she would suffocate me in my sleep if she had her way. So why would someone let her back in each night? I guess for the fear that if Lonliness were to leave me... I might truly be alone.

--Will

The day my life didn't change...

The sky was beautiful and white. One of those magical winter mornings, where it seemed as if the heavens were taking a deep breath before a winter storm. The clouds and wind rushed past hurriedly, but with a great sense of peace to them. And despite a broken heart over the troubles with my dad, I felt a great calm that morning. I was alone in the house with my little sisters. And I was in the midst of making something for us to eat. When I looked out the kitchen window that overlooked the street. I saw her walking. She wore a big blue football jacket. A great many sizes too big for her. She was always small compared to the other kids in our class, and the jacket made her look that much smaller.

She walked with purpose silently up the hill. Her tiny form dwarfed by the ancient trees looming over the houses in the old neighborhood. There was great sadness around her. She kept her head lowered and her arms crossed, and from time to time she would wipe away her tears and the hair blowing across her face. Every essence of my soul told me to go to her. That she needed someone. That she felt sad, alone... and scared. I wanted to be there for her, the way she'd been there for me. But as I watched her walk towards me, for what seemed like hours, I began to doubt myself. I didn't think there was anything I could do. I didn't think there was anything I could say. But deep down I knew, that all she needed was for someone to be near and listen. Someone to be a friend. But I made excuses to myself... I couldn't get there in time, I couldn't leave my sisters alone, I couldn't find the words, I wasn't what she needed. But I knew they were all lies. Because something inside told me what I was supposed to do. But I didn't listen to myself. When the voice in your head tells you to trust yourself, and you don't listen, it is a formula for regret.

So instead I prayed for God to comfort her. I remember that it was the first time I'd ever prayed for someone else. And I watched as she rounded the corner out of sight. And I remember thinking that I missed the opportunity of a lifetime... to repay someone for showing me the greatest of kindness. But I let it slip away. And I've spent every day of my life since that moment, trying to make up for that cowardice. I help anyone and everyone that will allow me. I try my best to treat them with the kindness that she had shown me. Even though I fear I often fall miserably short. But I can't help but think, If only I'd been there for her, she might've been my friend. If only I'd made the effort, I could've changed her life. If only for just one moment I could've made her smile. If only... that wasn't the day my life didn't change.


--Will

Up all night.

Is everybody happy now?
Is everybody clear?
We could drive out to the dunes tonight,
Cause summer's almost here.

When the roads are clear,
We'll head on out of here.
If you're coming back,
I'll see you in the morning.

I'm just staring at the ceiling
Staring back at me.
Just waiting for the daylight
To come crawling in on me.

Fix your hair just right,
Put your jeans on tight.
...Or wear a dress
So I can get it off real easy.

Cause I've been thinking,
I'd like to see your eyes...
Open up real wide,
The minute that you see me.

But if you don't come through,
I wouldn't wait for you.
I understand that everyone goes
disappearing into the greatest grey,
That covers over everyday,
And hovers in the distance...

I've been up all night
And I might sleep all day
To get the dreams just right
Then let them slip away
...I might sleep all day

--Counting Crows

Bad fucking week.

LINKS

You didn't believe me when I said we had "rules" to follow...

Bad Pick-Up lines: "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" (No.) *Wink*

"Fade to Bluegrass" Bluegrass Metalica coverband. It was bound to happen.

Rock on! The entire Acme Novelty Company catalogue.

--Will

New Artwork

I did some more coloring tonight. I feel much more painterly in the way that I'm coloring these days. It's a lot of fun. Well at least my arts going well. It'd be nice if I were making a little money from it. I'm tired of being poorer than poop... sigh.



--Will

Old things

My arms rest on the warm iron railing of the train bridge. I watch quietly as the sky turns every shade of orange and the sun sets before me. The rusted frame of the old bridge stands like a monument to things left behind. It aches and creaks in the wind, as though moaning to the stream rushing beneath him. I imagine all those before me who have stood at this bridge, contemplating the world around them. You can feel loneliness in his ancient metallic bones. They cry out as if trying to tell the trees how tired he is, and how he is tired of holding up his hopeless burden. The train had long since stopped coming through here, and the tracks have long since been removed. Burden without purpose is the cruelest of all endeavors. I walk along the railing, letting my hand follow the immaculate iron curls embedded into his frame. He is from a time where care was given to give life to such things. I sense his pride swell as I admire the craftsmanship. How long has it been since someone has noticed? How long has it been since someone has cared?

I hold onto the moment for as long as I can. Then it slips away like the water beneath me.

--Will

Better days.

I feel good. I feel a whole lot better these days. I finally got my computer back into working order and I've been getting a lot of work done. Actually, I think I've been so excited to get my computer back that I've been doing too much, and not focusing on finishing just one thing. In the last week, I've been finishing my website, teaching myself Macromedia Flash and Fireworks and trying to write like 10 things at once. Both programs I've been learning look like they'll be a boon to my productivity and that will let me do my websites a whole lot better. And sometime in the next few months I will prolly do some short animated movies with flash. But in the mean time, instead of getting stuff finished like I was hoping (and was actually well on my way to doing) I've let myself get distracted with a thousand different things. I can say that in the next few months I will be able to finish my entire website the way I was wanting to. I have no doubt of that. It just might take another week or so for me to settle back into a routine of having my own computer.

Something funny that I've noticed lately... I was able to write better on my Dad's computer. Haha. Imagine that. I don't know what it is, maybe that the room is so dark and cramped, that there's no distraction. Just writing. Or maybe the way the keyboard "clik-claks" loudly. My keyboard is all soft and quiet. No noises. I think part of me misses the enthusiasm that goes along with the sound of chattering keys. Anyways, I just thought that was interesting. I might actually continue to use his computer, just to keep up my productivity.

In other news, I had THE BEST massage yesterday. God it's been years since I've had a massage, and this one was great. I just thought I'd share that. Make everyone a little jealous. *sticks out tongue mockingly*

--Will