Three Little Birds...
I've been debating about how in depth to go into what I've been going through lately. I know that many of my friends are not all that much into God - and many are on the complete opposite end of that spectrum. But what I've been going through is more spiritual than I've ever been. And it's hard to talk about anything in my life right now without mentioning it.
See, I'm a control freak. I have to plan everything out entirely and be "in control" or I can't function. But of late, I've been giving up a lot of that control. Instead of making elaborate plans, I just decide what I'm going to do the next day and make a list. I'm not thinking a week ahead, or even two days ahead. Just day to day. Things are finally working.
But there's still that doubt. That somewhere down the line I'm going to screw up. That I'm not going to make it. And that's where the spiritual growth has been. I realized the other day when I mentioned that I finally understood how ungrateful I seemed by not taking people's help and gratitude. Even when I may have needed or deserved it. Well I realized that's exactly how I've failed in my faith. I pray, I ask for help, I give thanks for help... but when it comes down to it -- I freak! When it starts getting down to the wire I start changing my plans. Evasive maneuvers, hedging my bets, cutting corners. And that's exactly the same thing. You don't ask for someone's help - especially someone who has never let you down - and then start second guessing it.
I look back on everything - not just with God but with all my friendships. How many times have I changed my plans and left all momentum and faith in the dust. I can remember the blank look on some friend's faces at such a moment. They must have been so disappointed in me. In theory I was
right - but in
principal and
action I was
totally wrong.
So I have a new way of looking at God. I cannot insult him by doubting. I can only truly have
faith if there is no
doubt.
Anyways - I've been actively pursuing this for about three weeks now. And the signs are becoming clearer. Or maybe, I'm recognizing them better. I'm also learning to not see signs because I
want to, but because they are unmistakable. And often they are reinforced by each other. I'd give examples. But for the most part they are specific to only me. It's incredible really, how specific they are to me. Often relevant to thoughts that I've been afraid to share. Chance encounters with strangers. Recurrence. Lines from songs that I've treasured in my subconscious. Or in a few magical cases... Inspirational phrases that I've used to inspire others... and are given back to me under the most incredible of circumstances.
I've been brought to tears many times in the last month because of God's grace, in an incredible and humbling way. And I'm sure this is only just the beginning... and I am grateful.
--Will