"I'm an Asshoooleeoleeeollle!"

Man I thought I was MORE of an asshole! There's got to be something wrong with the programming. This quiz actually made me laugh though. It's probably worth taking just because of the questions. Unless you're afraid to admit you really are an asshole. One of my best friends actually got 77%.

I AM 35% ASSHOLE/BITCH! I may think I am an asshole or a bitch, but the truth is I am a good person at heart. Yeah sure, I can have a mean streak in me, but most of the people I meet like me. Take the ASSHOLE/BITCH test at Fuali.com

--Will

Bringing it back to Life.

I've been cleaning house this week. I've needed to for some months now. Especially my studio. Other than brief chaotic artistic(messy) flurries, my studio has been lifeless. Drapes closed, lights out, musicless, motionless and cold. I've found it hard to begin the process of cleaning this room.

I've started to approach it as if she were some old lover. One whom I'd treated poorly, and out of my own naive arrogance left her heartbroken. I've found myself just sitting quietly... re-acquainting myself to her. Getting used to being together again. Recognizing the mistakes I'd made, the damage I'd done and all that I'd neglected. I'm careful to not make promises. Too many made and too many broken in the past. I ask for forgiveness. A new beginning. Trying not to force anything.

There are decisions I made that I knew the moment I made them, would destroy what I had. Over-extending myself, forcing decisions, trusting the wrong people, not trusting my instincts. I took for granted the creativity that lived in her walls. From the beginning, when it was just slabs of concrete, naked windows and white echoing walls it was fantastically inspiring. But good-intentions, and my own weakness ended all that. And when that magic was gone, a part of me went away.

But swallowing my pride, and admitting what I'd done... I think it's been a long time coming. And I'm starting to get excited at just the thought of one day what might be. She reminds me of all the wonderful things we've done... and where we were headed. And so finally the cleansing begins.

I know it must be strange to attribute such human characteristics to a room. But if you'd been there when the creativity was truly alive... you'd know what I'm talking about.

I think that every artist that strives for greatness must at some point leave his studio fallow. In order to appreciate momentum and learn to be a better artist... and a better human being.

--Will

2004

Well it's the end of another year. I'd like to say this year was a success, but I don't have much to show for it. Emotionally, I think I've grown more in the last year than I have since I was 10. So I guess you could say all my success is internal this year. Physically, financially, creatively - I'm in basically the exact same place I was this time last year. Which, actually makes me hopeful... Because I felt as though I were on the cusp of something huge last year, and I feel that now. But I knew I had a lot of issues to work out before I could come into my own. So this little sabbatical is not unappreciated.

-- Where I've been --

It would seem that I've learned most about myself from removing myself from the microcosm of my own existence, and getting a different point of view from the outside in. Because throughout this year, that's where all my breakthroughs have come

I lost 30 pounds from Jan - Apr from simply eating right, and moderatately exercising. To date, even though the diet and exercise are on hiatus, I have not gained back a single pound. I've finally learned how to maintain my life, and now I know it's not fleeting.

I delved deeper into my potential for self-employment than ever before. And I discovered that I have what it takes. But in fact, it took stopping to realize how good I had it. Self-employed I was making more in 6 hours than I do working 40 hours for someone else. A fact I used to joke about with my friends, but I did not value until working - make that slaving - my own 40 hour weeks once again.

As far as comics, I've discovered that I never gave myself enough credit. I've had six "real" artist job offers in the last two years - But couldn't find it in myself to accept that I deserved them. My website just passed 2 million hits - 3 months after reaching my FIRST million. So people like my work, and I guess I'm finally starting to too.

I started dating again this year. In fact I even had my first real "healthy" relationship this year. It took a good relationship to make me realize how bad the first one was. And to realize how messed up my whole outlook on relationships was. Friendships, love and otherwise.

I guess what it comes down to, is that after all these years, I finally feel like I deserve to be the person I've always tried to be. I deserve to be happy.

-- Where I'm going --

Ironically, one of the biggest lessons from this year, was that I learned to NOT talk about where I'm going / what I'm doing, until it's done. I'm too heavily influenced by what people think. And if I get my approval before I've done something, I really have no purpose in finishing. And likewise with negative opinions. So I've found the best way for me to be productive, is to keep it to myself. I will however put up a list of 28 things I want to do when I'm 28. I did 20 out of 27 from my last list, and had a blast doing it. But I'll post it after new years.

--Will

Christmas Photos

I don't know how many people want to see my family christmas photos, but if in case you do, click the pic below. It was a great christmas, it was our first christmas with my sisters baby Katelynn. She opened all her own gifts... then promptly began eating them. My cousin Melonie and her Husband Stephen are expecting their first child in a couple months. And then there's random photos of the rest of my family. Prolly not too interesting.



This was probably the best christmas I've had since I was a little kid, in spite of being fairly sad over breaking up with Addy. I think my overall attitude was much different this year, and it made for a much better experience. That and I gave more presents than I ever have before. So you can't go wrong with that. Anyways, I hope everyone else had a good holiday. Keep smiling!

--Will

"Heres looking at you kid."

Adrienne and I broke up tonight. Not the easiest thing I've ever done. It's hard when two people care a great deal for each other. Especially when there's really no major cause for strife, other than something's missing. But I know myself, and I know it was time for this to end.

I hope that happiness finds her wherever she goes, and that her perfect love will find her before too long. I'm almost certain that we'll continue to be close friends. After all there is no ill will between us - no reason for us to not be friends. Sometimes it just doesnt' work out.

On a side note, I watched Casablanca for the first time tonight. I think it was a good last date movie. Good movie period.

--Will

Disproving Aristotle.

I want to explain a little about the book excerpt from that last post, with an explanation of what it means to me. See, it's actually several things coming together at once. One of which, was the movie Alexander. I finally got around to seeing it a little while back. The scene of him charging an oncoming elephant made me want to see the movie - but all the rhetoric about manlove turned me off to seeing it. But in the end, I think it was a good movie, however it's very long. And the gay love - with his blinky-eyed boyhood crush Jared Leto (My so Called life)was a bit much - not really graphic, just uncomfortable. In a way it kind of made the characters more real in my opinion. Even if the actors hamming the love lines didn't seem to be buying it themselves.

Anyways, The thing that struck me about the story was how young Alexander was. He comes to power in his early 20's. And from the beginning he struggles to define himself. He has to fight for his ideals. Even though they conflict with everyone around him, and especially with the legacy his father left before him. He even questions the lessons that Aristotle tries to teach him to be truth. He fights for what he believes. He's fighting the good fight, and it's a losing battle from the beginning. But he does it anyways. And even though he knew himself, and understood what he was doing - and was even right a lot of the times - it creates the appearance of arrogance, or insanity, or naivete, or stubbornness, when it is so outside societies expectations.

I related completely. I am very idealistic. I am very passionate. I've tried to lead others, I've tried to blaze my own paths through life. It's a very lonely road. One that has left me doubting myself on countless occasions. I've never felt like I belonged anyways, but being so focused on what I want, when everyone else seemed to be wandering aimlessly through life - I've felt even more isolated. Fast forward 8 years - I've picked myself up, dusted myself off - after the thousandth stalemate in this fight. And I start thinking, maybe everyone was right; Maybe dreams aren't meant to be realized. Maybe those mountains aren't meant to be crossed. Maybe this is where the journey is supposed to end. So I've stopped. Everything. I've stopped the bleeding. Let the tank run dry. Burned the fields. Whatever analogy you want. And my world hasn't come to an end. There's even a sense of peace. But I know that it's not in my nature to give up. In fact I'm betting on it. These dreams are going to gnaw at the back of my mind until I either go mad or do something about it.

Enter The Pilgrimage. There are many lessons to be found for the modern day crusader. But this one struck at the heart of my quandary. I can never stop fighting the good fight. It's silly to even consider it. But what I understand now, is that I will probably never be understood. And that's ok. But simply knowing that eases a lot of the frustration. I've wanted so much to have others fight the good fight with me. But it will never happen. This is something I have to do on my own. There will be others out there on the battlefields with me... but I will always be alone. And that's ok.

--Will

The PILGRIMAGE - Paulo Coelho

-Fighting the good fight-

"We must never stop dreaming. Dreams provide nourishment for the soul, just as a meal does for the body. Many times in our lives we see our dreams shattered and our desires frustrated, but we have to continue dreaming. If we don't our soul dies, and agape cannot reach it. A lot of blood has been shed in those fields out there; some of the cruelest battles of Spain's war to expel the Moors were fought on them. Who was in the right or who knew the truth does not matter; what's important is knowing that both sides were fighting the good fight."

"The good fight is the one we fight because our heart asks it of us. In the heroic ages - at the time of the knights in armor - this was easy. There were lands to conquer and much to do. Today, though, the world has changed a lot, and the good fight has shifted from the battlefields to the fields within ourselves."

"The good fight is the one that's fought in the name of our dreams. When we're young and our dreams first explode inside us with all of their force, we are very courageous, but we haven't yet learned how to fight. With great effort, we learn how to fight, but by then we no longer have the courage to go into combat. So we turn against ourselves and do battle within. We become our own worst enemy. We say that our dreams were childish, or too difficult to realize, or the result of our not having known enough about life. We kill our dreams because we are afraid to fight the good fight."

"The first symptom of the process of our killing our dreams is the lack of time. The busiest people I have known in my life always have time enough to do everything. Those who do nothing are always tired and pay no attention to the little amount of work they are required to do. They complain constantly that the day is too short. The truth is, they are afraid to fight the good fight.

"The second symptom of the death of our dreams lies in our certainties. Because we don't want to see life as a grand adventure, we begin to think of ourselves as wise and fair and correct in asking so little of life. We look beyond the walls of our day-to-day existence, and we hear the sound of lances breaking, we smell the dust and the sweat, and we see the great defeats and the fire in the eyes of the warriors. But we never see the delight, the immense delight in the hearts of those who are engaged in the battle. For them, neither victory nor defeat is important; what's important is only that they are fighting the good fight."

"And, finally, the third symptom of the passing of our dreams is peace. Life becomes a Sunday afternoon; we ask for nothing grand, and we cease to demand anything more than we are willing to give. In that state, we think of ourselves as being mature; we put aside the fantasies of our youth, and we seek personal and professional achievement. We are surprised when people our age say that they still want this or that out of life. But really, deep in our hearts, we know that what has happened is that we have renounced the battle for our dreams - we have refused to fight the good fight."

"When we renounce our dreams and find peace, we go through a short period of tranquility. But the dead dreams begin to rot within us and infect our entire being. We become cruel to those around us, and then we begin to direct this cruelty against ourselves. That's when illnesses and psychoses arise. What we sought to avoid in combat - disappointment and defeat - came upon us because of our cowardice. And one day, the dead, spoiled dreams make it difficult to breathe, and we actually seek death. It's death that frees us from our certainties, from our work, and from that terrible peace of our Sunday afternoons."

--Will

The Finishing Line

I had a bad day at work today. It kind of sucked really. Each day has been successively crappier than the last. The work I can handle, the bad wages I can handle; even the never ending series of changing circumstances - I'm learning to deal with. But my boss, frankly, is a fucking nut case. We never know whether she's going to show up or not, how drunk she'll be, and how much of a manic mood swing we'll have to engage her in. So I've been going over the circumstances in my head, even re-doubling my efforts to make the best of what I'm given. But it's not happening. I finally did everything with my last paycheck that I've been promising myself I'd do, and it still wasn't enough. Not even close.

This whole thing has been an experiment, so I don't feel bad about moving on from it. In fact, I really think I've gotten more than enough out of the job. I have a renewed pride in my work. I have a new respect for hard work, one in which I've never truly appreciated. I've learned to adapt more realistically in a chaotic environment. Instead of reacting I'm responding. I've learned to simplify my financial obligations. And I know for a fact that Misty (my ex) and I have finally come to a sense of complete closure between us. Enough so, that she was finally able to let go of the idea that she made a mistake by letting me go. Lol. After spending more time working together than we ever spent together while dating, there is definitely an incompatibility thing going on. Despite her always being in relationships, I think she was still holding onto the thought of me. So I'm glad she's finally able to move on, and I'm finally able to understand the whole thing.

I think the best part of all about this job - I have a new perspective on work ethic. I think my generation was taught to look at life like a series of finish lines. You win the race, you win the game, you pass the test, you graduate. There's a finish line that we're always working towards, even if we want to or not. But I'm starting to not see it that way anymore. It's still vague, but its coming slowly. My Mom used to call it "chop wood - carry water" As a metaphor for the farmers that came before us. There was never a finish line, it was every day work. It was surviving. But my generation was so spoiled by the idea that we would some day "finish". Which is NEVER going to happen. Projects may have finish lines, but that's no way to live your life. It gives you a sense of entitlement, that at some point it's ok to stop. But its not. It's a false work ethic, it's inherently flawed. Because you eventually wind up stopping. And it takes some other project to get you moving again. So there are these tremendous Lulls in life where nothing's getting done and you feel like complete crap about it.

Like I said, it's still not completely clear. But it's coming slowly. One of the problems with this job, is that I can work harder, and cut work time out by working ahead, working faster, more efficient. But when I do that - we go home early - we get paid less. So there's no point in working harder, faster, more efficiently. Unless I want to be angry at the end of the week because my check is anemic. It's counter-intuitive. It's made me resent the whole situation. So I'm going to start looking for another job after Christmas. Ironically, I'm quitting for the same reason that I stopped with the self-employment route. Stressing over money is getting in the way of enjoying what I'm doing. So by God's grace there will be a new path available sometime very soon.

--Will

Googlism for: william

william is in orbit
william is right
william is a nice guy as far as i know
william is one of over 40 very special donkeys
william is known as barwn meistr gwylym ab owain
william is a very curious budgie
william is still looking for a home
william is a future savior who will lead these aliens
william is a cutie
william is putting words into mouths of athletic supporters
william is kerouac in denver
william is the blinking best
william is back
william is not 'fair game
william is apple sexy talk
william is an ass
william is gorgeous
william is in nashville wounded
william is 'the laziest person on earth'
william should be the next head of state
william is totally right
william is the antichrist and reincarnation of king arthur
william is weary of the press
william is the best i have seen
william is the central character of the movie
william is going up the slide the right way
william is just an ordinary guy who wants to know the truth about what is happening and wants to share that truth with anyone willing to read or be read to
william is a bit of a cad
william is eager to draw on the knowledge and experience of organisations
william is considered by many to be one of the premier native american flute players in the country
william is self taught in regards to the drawing and painting of people
william is here
william is now

Brought to you by Googlism. I got this from my friend Linds.

--Will

The Way Things Change....

My ex-girlfriend Misty got married today. She has a new last name. It's a little surreal. But it is as it is. The event was fairly... uneventful. There was actually no wedding, just her, her husband and her daughter at the JP. Then ten minutes later, off to work. That's just the nature of things in her life right now. The baby is due in March. I hope that the marriage works out in the end. He's a good guy, and she actually wants happiness in her life. And for all intents and purposes I think that they're perfect for each other. They both are very intelligent and are both very serious people (That was always an issue of contention for Misty due to my inherent goofiness.) They both have a very dry sense of humor, and they both have a very similar moral outlook on life. But despite the commonality, they have a lot to overcome between them. And I wish them God's blessing and grace in their lives together.

Misty and I are still very good friends. When we dated the first time, it hurt so bad the way that it ended, that I made sure to go to great lengths the second time around to leave no animosity between us. And in all actuality it has been great for the both of us. But it's interesting to me, that just less than a year ago, even though I know it would never work between us, I probably would have still been heartbroken over something like this. But instead I find myself very supportive, and even offering to give love advice to her would-be husband. There is not an ounce of "what-if?" in me. No regrets. But that's how much things have changed for me in the past year.

I don't often talk about my relationships on this blog. Mostly because there is usually some body else involved, and it's not my place to be as transparent with their lives as I am with mine. But with such a momentus event as this, I think it's important to reflect and leave it behind as the benchmark that it is.

I used to be needy. VERY needy. I was a rescurer with Misty... and really with any woman I wanted to be with. I really wanted to save her and in turn have her complete me. I don't feel any guilt over that, it was well-intentioned, and absolutely the way I was brought up. My whole family is full of comforters, helpers, counselors. It's no wonder I went that route with my first relationship. But with Adrienne, the woman I've been dating for the last 8 months, that all changed. Even though I tried, she wouldn't allow it. Her natural defenses left me off guard, and in turn forced me to face my own reality. Any question I would ask her, she would ask it back. Any thing I did, she would do it back. There was reflection and reciprocation in everything she did. It's no wonder I had to start looking at myself. But that's exactly what I needed. To the point, where I finally, for the first time in my life, feel like a whole, complete person.

I have no fear of the future now. I know that wonderful things are in store. I was always hopeful of that, but now there is no doubt in my mind. That everything happens for a reason.

--Will