Happy Birthday Me!

I turn 28 today. My birthday wish is simple - I wish to finish what I start, enjoy everything I do and be happy with who I am. Three things that I've craved and yet denied myself for too long.

Keep smiling ya'll.

--Will Terrell

"The Older Fool"

I turn 28 in seven nights. I say nights, because that seems to be all I see these days. They're all starting to blend together; like waking were the commercial breaks between the political announcements of my life. I feel numb, and uninspired. I figure I'm just processing, rethinking the last year and preparing for the next. Almost craving the traditional release and rejuvination of beginning another year of life. Birthdays always seem to be less celebration for me and more about new beginnings. I suspect this year is no different.

But looking back on the last year I've realized that not much has changed physically for me. I've got almost all the same goals I did this time last year. Lose weight, finish comics, buy things, get life on track. The only difference is this whole last year was spent fixing my brain... and I guess my spirit. And even though I haven't really "fixed" anything, I've only managed to stop the bleeding. I think I finally have all the right tools to do this thing right. Really, looking at the past year as a whole, the only things I've really accomplished were all emotional and spiritual. But I suppose that's needed before I can do much of anything else. The funny thing is, that's apparently exactly what I was supposed to be doing, at least according to one of the astrology books I've been looking at.

"..Before the age of twenty-seven, you are concerned with issues regarding your deep feelings and personal power. At the age of twenty-eight, when your progressed sun moves into Sagittarius, there is a turning point that highlights optimism and a growing need for freedom and expanding your horizons, whether through your philosophy of life, education, or travel."

I guess 27 was a growth period between the two periods of my life. I don't know, only time will really tell. For now, I'm just gonna go with this current... give it a little more time to see where it takes me. I'll give myself till my birthday to be a bum. Then we'll see what the universe has in store for me.

--Will

"The sounds of silence..."

Tonight I'm caught between complete inner peace and total chaos. Peace once meant planning to me. It meant having expectations. I don't know if that's right anymore. I feel like a heretic in my own mind for thinking such things. But some small part of me is experimenting with the notion that life is about living... not planning.

There is no moon tonight. I step outside to pitchblack, and the Cacophony of nothingness. Silence, darkness beyond shadows, sky so black it's blue, and stars crisp and untarnished by the haze of clouds at midnight. It's not... what I expected. No moon means I've missed a week. It means I've stopped paying attention to the world around me. And I ask myself how long I will allow myself to be - AWOL - Absent without living. Jeeze that was hokey. But that's really what it is. I'm not living right now. I'm not even THINKing about living. Which is totally foreign to me.

But I refuse to make plans. For a little while at least. Planning is something you do for an "event" or a trip. But it just doesn't work when you try to plan your life. At least it never has for me. But I've done SO much of it for every aspect of my life. That I really don't know what to do instead. I mean I have ideas, but nothing has really panned out yet. None that I feel confident enough to follow through with.

I guess it's like when you're a kid - and you're learning to ride your bike for the first time without training wheels. Its uncomfortable to be so unsteady and out of control. Till, of course, you finally learn to control your momentum and balance. I guess the "over-planning" - for me at least - was my crutch. And now I'm timidly setting out on my first trek or two without the aid of my "expectations" and it's obviously been much slower and unsure than I'd like it to be.

--Will

RELATIONS



You know I think having a baby around really puts things in perspective. I think a good judge of a life is if you can make a baby belly-laugh. If you can do that you're on the right track. It's been a very long time since my family has had a baby around. So my niece Katelynne has been a true blessing. Anyways, I just thought I'd share this picture of us at Subway. This is only moments before she devoured my doritos bag... sans chips.

--Will

REFLECTION

I haven't been much in a blogging mood of late. (as if you hadn't noticed) Actually I haven't been much of
anything lately. Course it's usually like that after the fair. I guess this year more than most. The funny thing is, I finally got around to "making plans" the way I usually do. But it didn't quite work out the way it usually does. I went to Denny's a few nights ago, busted out my trusty spiral note book and swanky new jelly roller blue pen and set down to plot out the next chapter of my life. Only I realized that I don't need to do that anymore. Plotting and planning has always been synonymous with my life. I tend to overthink everything. Anyways, I realized that all I need to do now is get a job and live my life. And take things as they come. I plan to pay off my debt, although there's really no planning involved. Just lots of work and negotiating and writing of checks. I plan to do comics still, only I've realized the only way to be successful with that is to do it like a work out - a little bit each day. So overall, there's nothing to plan. And consequently nothing really for me to reflect on. Believe me when I say this is new ground for me to be treading. But everything seems copacetic.

Here's a funny side note: After realizing all of this I wrote a little note summing it all up in my journal, closed the book and got in my truck to drive home. I get about 3 blocks from Denny's and my drivers side rear-view mirror falls off... I guess I was 'literally' done reflecting.

REDEMPTION



So the fair has been over for a while now. It went ok. I made about $2000 over the 9 days. About a third of what I expected it to be... mostly due to the rain. But in the end I think it probably worked out for the best. The last day my hand was so sore and numb that I could barely stand to use it. I guess after a couple hundred drawings in a week it just wasn't used to the stress. So I'm not as disappointed about getting rained out so much as I probably could have been. Everything happens for a reason right? Anyways, I've been spending money a lot lately. It's been SOOOO long since I've had any money. I've had a great time. But one thing I realized, I've not been paying myself for all the work I've done over the last eight years. I've kept post-poning my reward until some measured success would appear... which by the way NEVER did. I thought I had been an asshole to everyone else... now I realize that I was the biggest asshole of all to myself. Its really clarified a lot of the issues I've had over the last 8 years about money. And it's definitely given me a clearer path towards fixing my finances. Whoever thought that spending money correctly would be the path to financial responsibility?

Anyways, I've been splurging lately. I bought an Xbox. I've always wanted one. Actually I've always wanted ANY video game machine. The last machine I bought was a nintendo and I only bought one game for that one(super Mario Bros.). Plus I've bought about $250 dollars in games. Needless to say I've had a lot of fun playing with myself... er... that didnt sound good. I've also spent about $300 on new sheets, pillows and bedding stuff. I realized thats been on my top five list of things to get once I had money for about 4 years now. I can't believe I put it off for so long. I've bought comics for the first time in nearly a year. Go figure, I'm a comic book artist that wasn't buying comics. I've bought a bunch of art supplies I've needed. And I've taken myself out to eat a LOT. Probably too much from the look of my waistline. All and all I finally feel rewarded for all the work I've done over the years. Its been a long time coming. I always imagined that suffering, and "making do" would somehow help me reach my goals. But in the end it just made me resent myself. I figured that if I worked harder and held out a little longer, the big deal would be just around the corner. But it's that thinking that got me into debt. And I consequently don't really have much to show for the last 8 years. I barely even have the basic neccesities of life... like sheets.

I always thought I had it figured out. But in the last year everything I knew has turned out to be skewed. Its like I'm finally learning to live. Course, I guess that's how its' supposed to be. I guess we all have to learn the hard way. Its just most of us have different things to learn.

--Will