Psychological Dilemmas

I'm caught in a quandary. I'm starting to feel like this blog has outlived its purpose. Originally I started this journal to chronicle observations about my own behavior patterns, to break myself down and try to become a better person - a better man. I've made a lot of progress in the last 8 months towards doing that, but the last couple months I've found myself caught in a current that I never expected. I seem to have lost my identity. Somewhere between the brutal honesty and the deep introspection, I seem to have misplaced my life. I've gone from being very confident in myself, and self-assured, especially in social situations - to feeling misplaced and outcast, like I don't belong ANYwhere. It may have something to do with everyone having a crib sheet to my mind. I don't exactly hide anything here. But when I run into a friend in the "real" world there's really nothing left for me to say without feeling like I'm repeating myself. There's no mystery. No personality.

It's a little embarrassing, and frustrating. And worst of all I've become very insecure about it. And it doesn't help that I often feel like I'm being psycho-analyzed - spurned on from some personality paradox I'm exploring here - but find it being used to delve ever uncomfortably deeper into my psyche by someone else. Not that I don't appreciate the sentiment, it's just that I miss just hanging out. I mean I was never really much good at just hanging out to begin with, but now... yeesh. Anyways, the whole thing's left me feeling friendless and frankly... a little confused. This blog may not be the only reason. I got the job at Sea World in San Diego and I am definitely moving sometime in the spring. And I recall every time I've mentioned I was moving away in the past, that it seemed to alienate me from my friends. It happened every time when I was a kid. And even though it's nearly 6 months to a year off it seems to be happening now. But whatever. It just seems that the former reason has been building up for a while... long before San Diego.

Anyways... I don't know what I'm going to do. I like having a blog and writing. But I will most definitely need to change the format here. Keep myself to... my self. It sucks though, I've had a lot of great stuff going on lately. And want to share it here. But I'm tired of feeling left out. So I don't know what I'm going to do. I've been debating that dilemma for a few weeks now. Just wanted to update everyone and share what's been on my mind. I love you guys. I hope I'm not pissing off too many people here. That seems to have been my M.O. of late.
--Will

Traffic In The Sky - Jack Johnson

There's traffic in the sky and it doesn't...
Seem to be gettin' much better.
There's kids playing games on the pavement
drawing waves on the pavement
Shadows of the planes on the the pavement.

It's enough to make me cry
But that don't seem like it would make it feel better.
Maybe it's a dream and if I scream it would burst at the seams.
The whole place would fall into pieces.

And then they'd say... well how could we have known?
I'll tell them its not so hard to tell..
You keep adding stones and soon the water will... be lost in the well.

Puzzle pieces in the ground,
But noone ever seems to be digging.
Instead they're looking up towards the heavens
...with their eyes on the heavens.
At their shadows on the way to the heavens.

It's enough to make me cry,
but that don't seem like it would make me feel better
The answers could be found.
We could learn from digging down.
But noone ever seems to be digging.

Instead they'll say, well how could we've known?
I'll tell them its not so hard to tell...
You keep adding stones and soon the water will... be lost in the well.

Words of wisdom all around.
But noone ever seems to listen.
They talk about the plans on the paper,
Building up from the pavement.
The shadows from the scrapers on the pavement.

It's enough to make me sigh.
But that dont seem like it would make it feel better.
The words are all around.
But the words are only sounds,
and noone ever seems to listen.

Instead they'll say, well how could we have known?
Ill tell them it's really not so hard to tell.
You keep adding stones and soon the water will... be lost in the well.

--Jack Johnson

Aliens Vs. Predator

I saw AVP yesterday. I 'eff'ing loved it. When I first read the AVP comic back in like 90 sumthin I never thought it would actually get made. Especially as well as this. I especially love that they kept to the storyline with the girl. I hope they do the sequel the same way. That would make for a freaking awesome series.

If you haven't seen the movie... go check it. It starts off kind of slow, but once the beasties get involved its totally a fun ride. I mean... once they got that whole "plot" thing out of the way.



Just for fun I did a little fan art. I may do another couple AVP pieces just cause I'm digging it. If you can't tell, this is supposed to be in the Peanuts style. I think it might make a great t-shirt or something for Cafe Press. Whatta you guys think? I mean.. all that copy right crap aside.

--Will

New Painting

The funny thing about this painting,
when I started it I thought I was
using watercolor. I did so well with
Felix' painting using watercolor that
I thought I'd try another. But half
way through I realized that I'd been
using gouache the whole time.... lol!

ahh... artist humor.



I worked out at the mall yesterday,
doing caricatures at the ToonzInk shop.
It was pretty inspiring to watch another
artist whip out a hundred drawings in a
single day. I know I've got that kind of
discipline in me. I just needed a challenge
to get it started. Anyways, I'm going to try
and do more paintings. Lots more if things
go as planned.

*knock* on wood.

--Will

HAPPY Birthday FELIX!!!

My friend Felix' birthday is Monday.
I did this little watercolor painting of
her favorite X-Man - Gambit.



Everyone say Happy B-day to Felix!

Camping is Fun... sometimes.

So I really enjoyed camping. I'd like to go do it more often. In fact I'd like to buy my own tent, bedroll and cooking stuff and go camping as often as I can. It's very freeing to think that you can live under the stars without any contact with the outside world. It's also good to be reminded that's where we all came from. Life without cellphones and computers and blogger.

This trip though, was good but it had a few... problems, shall we say. Mostly the kids, lol. I'm not used to being around kids more than a few hours at a time. So I think it got to be a little much for me. (Sorry Addy.) I don't think it's really the kids fault, they're probably just too young to really appreciate nature. I'm sure I was the same at their age. But I'm not used to kids in general, so that just compounded things, lol. Cassandra thinks everything takes too long. Sierra had trouble sleeping, till like 2 in the morning. And Zach... is scared of plants. So the outdoors was prolly a bad thing for him.

Other than that it was a great experience. In fact, I think it was exactly what I needed. I had a lot of fun with the kids and Adrienne, despite the frustrations. Also, I stayed up all night while we were there and got a great nights sleep when we finally got back, and my internal clock seems to be back on schedule finally. And Addy and I had a great time after the kids got to sleep, talking and just hanging out. It was nice. And I had a wonderful experience alone there in the forest, while Adrienne was trying to get Sierra to sleep. I was outside and suddenly looked up to realize that the clouds had all disappeared. I mean, ALL of them. And the sky was full just 30 minutes before. And As I stood there looking up I suddenly saw a shooting star. Then ANOTHER one, and another and another and another. Not only could I see ALL the stars in the sky for the first time in a long time, they actually started to fall for me. But within half an hour the clouds had all returned.

I don't know what it means. I don't know how rare meteor-showers are. I've only heard of one or two in the last 10 years. But it definitely felt special. And I'm glad that I was there to witness it. And I'm glad the clouds cleared just long enough for me to see it. I feel special. But I'm also wierd that way.

--Will

The Great Outdoors

So Addy and I are going camping tomorrow. We're headed up to Palo Duro canyon for a couple days. I've never been camping... well unless you consider indian guides. But that was mostly like "boy-scouts lite" and I was like 8, so I barely remember any of it anyways. I can partially recall some traumatic experience with a plaster cast and a racoon. *shivers*

Anyways, I'm a little excited. This is kind of a spur of the moment thing, but I think it will be good. Adrienne's apparently been camping lots, so she'll be the resident Grizzly Adams this trip. But I'm bringing my skinning knife and warpaint just in case. (You never know with those damned racoons) The best part of all, this is number 2 on my list of 27 things to do when I'm 27. I'm halfway done. Pretty cool, eh?

--Will

"The worst day... since yesterday."

I appreciate everyone's advice and support. It's all been very helpful, and I think things are on a much better course now. I just wanted to thank you guys and let you know I appreciate you. I have good friends.

I think I needed to start fixing things from the ground up, and that's what a lot of this has been about. I needed to start with a good foundation, and work on clearing up all my little weaknesses and inadequacies. All my under-the-rug-sweeping and blind-eye-turning that I've let drag me down all these years. I guess this is essentially the Universe telling me "Hey... if ye'are really serious about fexing theengs.. thes is where ye heve ta start boyo" Because the universe has an irish accent. I bet the Universe drinks a lot and sings drunken old folk songs badly out of tune as well. Here's to stout and hollers. Here's to tomorrow, and today. Here's to finally wiping the Shite away. (eew... that sounded really gross!)

--Will

Symbols and Signs...

Things are not going so well. I've had a rough couple of weeks. Mostly, I can't seem to shake this pervasive feeling of helplessness that seems to have inundated my life. The alternator went out on my truck, so I can't leave the house, can't do the caricatures on the weekend because theres just too much equipment to haul around in a car. Then my computer is hatin on me. I can't use it more than 4 or 5 minutes without it freezing up, and me having to reboot. That makes it really hard to get any work done, especially when it doesn't always remember what I've saved. But worst of all I've run out of money. Before I left for California I was expecting a few checks for work that I'd completed, and none of them have come in, and one in particular, I was expecting from the place that I teach classes, isn't coming at all. It turns out they overpaid me on my previous check, but someone didn't know that and they told me I was getting another substantial check after I got back. One that would have covered all of my expected expenses. (I think their math is still wrong.. but whatever) So to recap, I have no vehicle to go anywhere, no money to do anything even if I wanted to go somewhere, and my main source of productivity is being frustratingly anti-productive. Thus... Creativity = Zilch.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time I've been in this situation. The inherant downside to being self-employed, is the razor-thin line that you work between financial poverty and "getting by". One slip, and you're suddenly behind the curve. And since there's only you to blame/depend on, it can easily lead one down a spiral of depression. Making it even harder to pull yourself out. Me... I watch tv. Used to play on the internet... but as previously stated, my computer is butt-hurt. Zoning out in front of the tv - distracting myself - keeps me up till 4 or 5 am sometimes. Which means I get up late, which means I'm even LESS productive. Add into that I've been pretty much waiting around lately for my parents to go out to eat so I can tag along to get my fast food fix. I have pretty much wasted the last 3 weeks. And the next few aren't looking much better.

Why am I sharing this? Why should you care? I have no idea really. Maybe some of you out there have been through the viscous cycle that creativity ensues. When it works, its beautiful, when it doesn't, it's torture. But whatever, rehashing this stuff isn't helpful.

What I need to do is deal with the feeling of helplessness. I know it's all mental-- well, computer problems and alternators are very real. But if you really think about it they're only symbols of a larger problem. Just like the alternator, I'm not letting my starter engage, I'm not properly channeling my power to my engine. I'm just sort of sitting around like I'm waiting for something. Course sometimes I get sick of my own metaphysical bullshit. What I really want to do is just go get a job and get a nice little DVD collection like everyone else. I want to buy nice clothes for myself for once in my life. Or a bed. I want a paycheck that I can rely on every week. I want to feel financially responsible again. I'm tired of living hand-to-mouth. I'm sure its possible to be financially independant in Lubbock doing something you love... but apparently I don't have what it takes. Or maybe my hearts just not in it anymore.

So I dont know what to say. I dont really have another plan. I've got a wierd timeline that I have to deal with. I'd like to have an hourly job NOW making at least $10 an hour. But I've got 2 more caricature events at the end of September that I've already invested in. So I can't very well get a job and request off nearly 2 weeks right after I start the job. That doesnt make the next 6 weeks any easier. Who knows maybe after making a little money this weekend again will make me feel better. But we'll see. We'll see what the rest of the signs point to.

--Will

Website Update

I updated my website. Course, a lot of it is stuff that you bloggies have already seen. There is a bunch of new artwork if anyone cares to check.

--Will

Circles

An old friend gave me the greatest compliment tonight. It really made my day.. er.. make that my decade. The last 8 years to be exact. Good stuff.

--Will

I'm not usually into taking quizes, but this one seemed interested. I don't know how accurate it is. I never really considered myself the hub of society. But whatever.


Category I - The Hub

You're a 'people person'. Networking runs in your
blood. Consequently, you can move through most
social circles with ease.


What Type of Social Entity are You?
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San Diego Comic-Con 2004 Photos

Finally uploaded some PICS from the convention...

--Will