the Little things

So I've been asked to guest speak for an Art Appreciation class at Texas Tech University tomorrow. I'm a little stoked. I like talking about my comics career, it makes me happy, makes me feel special. Even if it is just a little thing.

--Will

It's A Girl!!!

My sister Heather and her husband Chad gave birth to their first baby tonight at 8:30pm . She's beautiful. And I'm not just saying that. Her name's Katelynne Macee Devore, she weighs 5.5 lbs is 19 inches long. Tiny little thing. I'm stoked though, I'm an uncle... hehe, I'll be the "cool" uncle too. Anyways, I'll post some pictures when I get them. It's been a very long couple of days.

--Will

Progress Update

So I've got my new airbrush now. I had to buy an adapter so it would work with my compressor and that finally came in today. I love this airbrush. It's very smooth and clean. I'm getting the control that I had always expected from my other tool. It's very satisfying to know it wasn't just me. Anyways, I'm still waiting on my paint bottle adapters, which were back-ordered and sent out today, so I should get them on Tue or Wed next week. In the mean time I'm going to draw a bunch of celebrity caricature samples and make copies to practice coloring. I'll post some up as I get them done. Hopefully by next weekend I will feel confident and relaxed with the whole coloring process and I can make some decent money at the flea market.

Also I've thought of a few new venues for doing caricatures this summer. I'm going to check into them a little more before I mention them up here. I'm just stoked all around, there is so much potential for working doing these, and the only thing holding me back is me... and I'm fixing that problem as I type this (well not at this exact moment... because it would be hard to type and draw and... ok, shutting up.) So that's that. I'm going to bed. G'nite.

--Will

Painting

So I've been practicing painting. I've started doing really small paintings and forcing myself to finish them. Here's one of my first attempts. I'm really happy with how it turned out. I need to find a better board to paint on though, I was fighting this one the whole time.



--Will

Being Big.

Being Overweight. I don't think many people understand it, even those that are living with it. Because it's a very complicated issue. You live inside a shell. I mean... I suppose we ALL live inside a shell. We all feel a little isolated and detached from the rest of the world. We're all just these wandering souls separated from each other by these fleshy walls. It's just some of us have better looking fleshy walls. It really has nothing to do with whether a person is good or not.

But being overweight, people sometimes look at you like you are subhuman. Even other overweight people to an extent. There are all of these awful assumptions that go along with being fat. You think, this guys lazy, he's complacent, he doesn't take care of himself, he doesn't want to be happy. And the sad part is... it's true. I believe that even more now that the weight is starting to leave me. But not for the reasons one would think. I was being lazy, I admit it. I didn't want to do what it takes to be thin. I was complacent, I was willing to accept the excuses it takes to stay fat. And as painful as it is to admit... I didn't want to be happy. I didn't want to be happy while I was fat. And I was lazy because I was already fat, and it seemed hopeless to change that. But the problem is all about perceptions. I believed all of those things, because I took them at face value. I never stopped to think about why I was fat. And I never stopped to think about why I allowed myself to remain that way. Because I was scared to face my fears. I was scared to admit all those perceptions of me were true. But when I finally dug through all the layers and layers of doubt and confusion and fear I discovered I was fat because...

...it was easy.

Whatever is easiest, is almost never what's best. "There are no short-cuts in life." I was a drug addict, hooked on sugary breads and junk. And like most addictions (drinking, drugs, sex, etc...) I was using it to avoid what my real problem was. I was an avoid-aholic. I was avoiding my insecurities. I was avoiding my stresses. I was avoiding living. If you look at a lot of my blog, I talk a lot about what I'm going to do when I'm thin. And what I've found out recently is that is the worst thing I could do. It's dooming my efforts to failure, or at least dooming it to a long unnecessarily arduous journey. What I realized today, now that I've lost a whole 25 pound sack of potatoes in fat, is that I need to live my life now, like I already weighed 165 pounds, and was built like the rock-house I want to be. I need to be happy now! Because if I don't do it now, I'm only putting off the emotional/mental work till later. I'm putting off my happiness till later. And that's no way to live.

See I've been seeing more guys just like me. Just like I was. Weighing 250, 300, 350 pounds (or more). And I see all the things they do and say to try to hide the weight. I see myself in them, trying unsuccessfully to cover up the embarrassment. The baggy clothes, the layered look, all black and dark clothes to make it easier to blend into the crowd. I've seen them crossing their massive arms across their chest to try and hide their man-boobies (when all it does is accentuate them). I've seen the laughs, followed immediately by the clenched jaw, hoping to not draw attention to themselves. Today I watched my 400 pound neighbor from across the street mow his lawn and have to stop every 10 feet to catch his breath (despite the fact he was using an automatic mower). I saw a girl at the pool today walk with a towel draped awkwardly around her shoulders to try to hide whatever it was she was trying to hide. I saw a close friend (known for his jubilant out-going conversations) go completely silent with anticipation as we approached the pizza-buffet. Then watched him eat 2 plates full (10 - 15 pieces) of pizza, without hardly tasting anything as they went down. Then following soon after with a carb-coma severe enough to have to ask someone else to drive. I saw myself. I've been and done all of these things and more. I've been blind but now I see. And it's very strange to be looking in from the outside for the first time in my life.

So I'm happy now. I am happy now! I weigh 165 pounds. I am rock hard and happy. I laugh, love, dress and play as though I weigh exactly what I want to weigh. And I will keep working out, swimming and eating right, until my perceptions and my reality are the same thing.

--Will

Faith and Fear - Part One

I've been having mood swings all night. This happens every so often. And usually it's because of money... It's always because of money. I ran across a site a couple days ago from some guys that I knew back in the day. We met traveling the convention circuit and we always mingled in the same online circles. Well they're hitting it big now with some of the new work they've been putting out. I guess it's insecurity, or jealousy, or just the every day stress that needing money brings. But it's sent me on some major emotional trips.

But that is the struggle that comes from trying to achieve your dreams. It's the inner battle between faith and comfort. I don't have to struggle. I could get a job and live comfortably. I could go get a job tomorrow and have all my debt paid off in a year, and even have money left over to buy the car I've needed for so long. And for all practical points and reasons that would be the best thing for me to do. But faith tells me otherwise. Faith tells me that I can do anything if I believe in myself and God enough. Faith tells me that I can make more in one month working for myself than I could in a year working some meaningless job for someone else. In theory, every day that I spend working to become successful and financially independent using only my talents, brings me that much closer to achieving that dream... in theory. But that's been a long road traveled. Seven long years traveled.

It's very trying.

And really, my faith has never let me down. Anytime that I have actually put myself out there and trusted in my faith, it has been more successful than I ever imagined. What has let me down, is me. My fear, my inadequacies, my discipline, and even my own abilities. But never faith. I've worked hard to overcome those problems. My abilities are not the problem any more, but they were for a very long time. I've over come many of my fears and inadequacies. But discipline... lack of discipline... still plagues me. But that is what I've been working so hard these last few months to deal with. I've been building discipline in all the simple things, so that eventually they will lead to discipline where it really matters.

As far as my financial struggles (which started this whole diatribe). I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about a problem he was having financially. It was getting to him. And the advice that I gave him was to accept responsibility for what caused him to get to where he is, and make a plan for where he wants to be a year from now. Don't dwell on the problem. Find a solution, make a plan, and create the environment to achieve that plan. It's much easier to deal with the problem if you can see it being fixed over a long period of time.

...I guess that's the advice I need to give myself tonight. I know how close I am to financial independence. I know it's still a ways off, but very much attainable. I just need to keep reminding myself to "keep it simple" and continue making small, easy to achieve goals, so that I can see myself progressing.

--Will

She is...

When my computer died back in January, the thing that I missed the most, was this list I'd written. The list was all about the woman I will some day marry. I sat down and wrote it out one night, and it was beautiful and heart felt and thorough. Then it was gone, along with everything else on my hard drive. It's funny, thinking about all the stuff I could be missing; scripts, artwork, photos, journals, etc... and the thing that kept making me sad was that.

Anyways, I don't know if it's all the breakthrough's I've had in the last few weeks, or the people I've been talking to, or what... but I wrote a new list tonight. And I think this one is much closer to my heart's desire. My friend Brandon wrote one of these way back in the day, and he's carried it around in his wallet all this time. Well he got married a couple weeks ago to a really wonderful woman... so the idea can't be all that bad.

Who she is...

She loves me. She loves me almost more than I love her. She loves like a child, completely, unconditionally, happily. And she loves me in that way.

She inspires me. She makes me want to be more than I already am. She inspires me to push myself harder and farther than I ever imagined possible.

She laughs. A lot. She is funny and she makes me laugh as much as I make her (A lot).

She makes me better. She actively works with me in my life to make me a better man. I am better each day because of having her in my life.

She is my mirror. She shows me my self, and lets me know what my strengths and weaknesses are. She reflects all that I don’t see.

She understands me. She understands my feelings, and reasoning, what makes me happy, the way I think and the way I laugh.

She is compassionate. She comforts me and makes me comfortable.

She protects me. She makes it safe for me to be vulnerable, and honest. She is my harbor in any storm.

She is intelligent. Probably more so than I, but that’s why I love her. She understands all that I don’t, and I understand much that she doesn’t.

She is patient. She knows I will make mistakes, but she is more than willing to be patient with me through all of those struggles.

She is happy. She knows what makes her happy. And most importantly, she knows what she needs to be happy and how to get it.

She is sincere and honest. I don’t have to guess at what she is thinking, she is honest completely and is sincere in all that she does and says.

She is confident. She knows herself, she understands herself. She is confident in what she can do, in what she knows, and in the ways that she carries herself.

She is competent. She can live her own life if she needs. She can accomplish any task on her own and doesn’t need someone else to do it for her. But she wants me to be in her life and to help her with these things.

She is innocent, she still has her childish naivity about her and her childlike enthusiasm.

She is God's child. She understands that not all things are in our hands. And she knows when it's time to give it to God.

She is responsible. She is accountable for her actions and emotions and responsiblities.

She is healthy. She makes healthy choices, and lives in a healthy manner.

She is driven and passionate. I have to work twice as hard just to keep up with her.

She is beautiful to me. Inside and out she is beautiful to me.

…And I am all of these things for her too.

I know it's kind of long. And probably too much. But I know if I can be these things, then there's bound to be someone else out there that can as well.

--Will

Blood in the Veins.

I feel alive. Though things aren't really good or bad right now, they are definitely changing in me. For the first time since I moved to Lubbock, I have the feeling that I am living. It's that feeling that you get when you go to some place different, and everything is new and exciting. I feel awake, I feel alive.

All of the introspection that I have subjected myself to since last October, seems to really be paying off now. I feel more productive with my art and writing. I am losing weight at a steady pace, and best of all I'm losing size. My friendships are much better now too, I've become much less critical of others, and it's made me feel less stressful. I've finally opened up to dating again, I've finally allowed myself to be emotionally available, and I finally feel confident in myself and what I have to offer. It's been a great year, and a great week.

--Will

Can you see yourself changing?

I went to the wedding of Luis and Maria Estrada today. They are two of my very closest friends. This was only the second wedding I'd ever been to for a friend. It was a very interesting experience. It was very different, very... emotional. I don't think I've ever really experienced anything quite like it. Throughout the duration of the ceremony and the traditions that followed, I found myself passing through every emotion found in life. I saw new couples, broken hearts, and the love that comes from decades of two individuals striving to understanding one another. I saw aspects of living that I'd completely forgotten, or neglected myself of. I saw tragedy, and hope walking hand in hand. I saw what I have never seen before.

Things are not always as they seem. Too often we take for face value what someone does, or says, or when something happens. It's really only in hind sight that we understand their true meaning, and most importantly what it means to us. I saw that time and time again today.

Luis came to my house late at night a few days ago. He was hand delivering invitations that he had forgotten to mail out. I swear it was a stack of maybe a hundred or so invitations. At face value, I laughed, "what a silly thing to do" I thought. Especially when contrasted with the Bride, the model of efficiency, who had mailed hers out months ago. Until you're standing on stage next to the Bride and groom and you realize that there is no family on the bride's side of the aisle. Suddenly... it was the right thing to do. Suddenly the man is compassionate and caring, instead of comedically forgetful. I know Luis, I know the cathedral would have been overwhelmed with friends and family, with all the people that love him. But instead, it was just enough for you to know this man is special. And just enough, so the Bride knows she finally has a family. That's not to say that Maria is not loved. No, far from it. There are very few that walk among us that could bond so quickly and strongly with so many. But I am so thankful that God has blessed her with this man. And likewise him with her.

We are so blind. So blind. We get so caught up in struggling with the day at hand that we never stop to look at our lives. To really look at our lives. And sometimes we take living for granted. Imagine, all your life you have been lost, directionless, aimless, and unable to accept love unconditionally. It's far more common than I fear to think about. But imagine... finding that perfect love. And that perfect love leads you to all those things. Direction, purpose, pride, forgiveness, acceptance, and most importantly.. love. Acceptance of love. Belief... in love. Then imagine finding all of those things, and children and family, then suddenly... the lover is gone. Killed... senselessly... by a drunk driver. Just as it feels your life together is just beginning. I can't imagine it either. It is beyond me. It breaks my heart to try to think of it. And Amy lives with that each day. Why did it happen? I don't know. I'm not going to try to slap a "catch-all" everything happens for a reason on it. Because I've not lived through it. All I do know, is that he wouldn't have changed a moment of it. Because I know I wouldn't have changed a moment of it. Not everyone is fortunate enough to be born into the circumstances that bestow upon us gifts like direction, understanding, and passion, and unconditional love. And for those that God has blessed with those gifts, we find a great need to share it. No matter what pain it brings us. The circle of love cannot be broken. Because when you are loved, you want to love. You want others to know the great peace that comes with being loved without reason. And death, nor doubt, nor pain can destroy that. So if you have love... cherish it. If you know love... share it. If you want love... give it. And don't ever take it for granted.

--Will

Speaking of dialogue...

I have a new goal for my writing. Six months ago when I first started writing again, my goal was to learn to capture life in words. I wanted to learn to describe a scene and really draw the world in words. I think I've made great headway towards doing that. Though I know I still have much more to learn. I now have a new goal. I will learn to create dynamic and believable characters and dialogue with my writing.

Why am I telling you? I'm not, really. I'm just putting the goal down in words. Looking back on all that I've accomplished in recent months, I've come to realize that every goal was word for word what I had written for myself to achieve. So I'm giving my goal power here by giving it definition.

Anyways, I'll share a little bit more later on about what I'm doing to improve on my characterization and dialogue. But for now I'm going to sleep.

--Will

New Artwork



Here are a few pages from Glorianna: Maze of Death. Written by myself and J. Kevin Carrier, and drawn by me. I'm trying to finish inking and lettering this story in the next week or two so I can move onto all the other projects I've got waiting around.

--Will

Summer Art Classes Flyer

The dates are now set for the summer art classes. After everything, it turns out I'm teaching 6 classes. 2 sets of 3 different classes. So I'm stoked. If you know anyone in the Lubbock area that's interested in learning to draw comics, please spread the word. Here is a flyer if you'd like to print it out to give away (if you don't have adobe acrobat, here is a different version). Because I know ALL of you love to draw comics. I'm also teaching a kids cartooning class, which I haven't finished the flyer for just yet. The kids class is actually 4 saturdays for 2 hours per session, and it's $35 per class or $100 for all four. I'm really great with the kids. I make it lots of fun for them, and they always seem to get a lot out of the class, so spread the word.

By the way, let me know what you think of the flyer, if I need to make any corrections or do something different with it.

--Will

Summer Art Classes

Well I received my contracts in the mail today for teaching classes this summer. So that is officially in motion. All I have to do now is finish up my lesson plans and hand-outs and just show up when I'm supposed to. I've always found it interesting how teaching art classes has consistently been my most successful venture. I don't know what it is exactly. I hope it remains so. It's always a good ego boost when I can leave a room full of people, confident that I've helped them get a step closer to achieving their dreams. And at the same time, making a decent amount of money from it.

I guess the inherent difference between teaching and most of my other projects, is that once I leave the room the project is finished. I prepare for it completely ahead of time, show up, and hope that I've prepared myself well enough. I imagined that as I do more work in this manner I will have the same type of success. It seems that most of what I do, people respond to it well enough for them to find it enjoyable. So the weakness isn't in my skills or ideas, it's in the follow through. Now I'm just sounding like a broken record about this following through thing. But you've got to understand, that understanding the process and what it means is all very new to me. Anyways, I've got more work to do tonight. I'll probably post a bunch of new artwork up next week once it's all finished. I'm very excited.

--Will

Home, sweet Home.

So I'm back from Dallas. I didn't find the answers that I was looking for, but I guess really, I did find the answers that I need. I went down there to help my Mom get to a social work class that she needed to attend at A&M of Arllington. But really I was on a bit of an expedition. I'd met an artist in the West End Mall in dallas a year ago that did these beautiful air-brush caricatures. And I went to try and find him. To hopefully find a job, or a mentor, or at the very least some advice. Turns out he quit working at that location. I think it had something to do with the artists that ran the booth. But I'm not sure exactly. So that didn't work out. I did get offered a job there, but I think I will have to pass. They don't do airbrush, and they seem to frown upon those that do. So I think I'd just be putting myself in a situation for disappointment and frustration. It was nice being offered though, I guess that's a sign that my skills are approaching nearly professional levels.

The trip wasn't a whole loss. I love Dallas, and I love driving. And the two go hand in hand. I spent a lot of time just wandering aimlessly. Then I went to the place where I grew up, and 4 other malls (still looking for airbrush caricaturists). And I also stopped by several of the major comic book stores in the Dallas/Ft Worth area and sold a lot of copies of my recent books. That felt really good. It was the first time that I didn't feel guilty about trying to hock something I'd made. They were professionally done, and looked the part too. The majority of the reactions I got from store owners was that of surpise and relief really. They get a lot of people coming in trying to sell crappy work (I know cause I used to be one of them). But this time around, each time I'd watch them flip through copies of my books I'd see a smile on their face. Usually followed with "This looks REALLY good. A lot better than most of the stuff people try to bring in here."

Anyways, that's a major improvement in my career. I feel a little bit of validation now. The next step is to actually 'solicit' something to a distributor so that it ends up in every major comic book store. Then after that, soliciting a mini-series, and then a graphic novel. At that point, I have a feeling I will be content with what I've accomplished, and feel better about going about the business of telling stories.

So I'm really glad that I went. I think the trip really cemented a lot of ideas and ideals in my mind. I'm focused on making caricatures a career this year, in the same manor that I intend to continue working out in a disciplined, habitual manner. And at the same time I will continue to do comic book art and writing stories at a steady pace, but not making them a priority until I have mastered discipline. I will publish 2 full-size comics this year. The first is of work that I've already nearly completed. And I'll solicit that as soon as it's done, hopefully before the summer. The second is also full-size and in color. It's a very personal story for a friend. I will finish that one around the end of October, and I'm not sure about the solicitation. Other than that, I plan to continue doing comic book art for a mini-series, but I don't intend to publish anything else until '05... until I've got the caricature thing under control. Basically my new plan, isn't really a plan at all. It's a new way of doing things. One day at a time, working towards small, simple to attain goals. Step by step baby.

--Will